The world of love falls apart
That day, we had been together for three years and one month.
In the past, she would definitely be watching the news at around 7 o’clock every day, while I would be surfing the Internet. But that night, before the news was over, he said he was not feeling well and wanted to rest early. I have always been in poor health, but he has almost never felt unwell, and the twice-a-year physical examinations at his company showed that he was in good health.
I obediently accompanied him to bed, turned on the bedside lamp on my side, and leaned against the bed to read. At around nine o’clock in the evening, he woke up and told me that he couldn’t breathe. I persuaded him to go to the hospital, but he didn’t want to, saying “It’s okay, just sleep for a while”, but I couldn’t fall asleep because of my worry. At midnight, I found that he began to breathe heavily, and it was obviously very difficult, so I persuaded him to go to the hospital again. He was afraid that I would worry, so he said it was okay. At three o’clock in the morning, I turned on the light and saw that his lips were purple and his face was blue. I wanted to wake him up, but he didn’t respond. I quickly called 120, then dressed him, and carried him, who weighed 150 pounds, on my small body of 100 pounds, from the third floor to the first floor. At this time, the ambulance arrived. We arrived at the hospital at 3:15, and he was pushed into the emergency room.
At 3:45 in the morning, the doctor came out of the emergency room and told me that I could go in to see him. When I pushed open the door of the emergency room, I was almost stunned. In the past half hour, he seemed to have lost so much weight. There was an oxygen mask on his face, intravenous access in both hands, and tubes and wires of all sizes all over his body… Is it really that serious?
I walked over to him and looked at him. He seemed to sense something and opened his eyes. I cried silently, and he also shed tears, motioning me to help him take off the oxygen mask so he could talk. I told him to keep quiet and rest, but I couldn’t persuade him. After taking off the oxygen mask, I put my ear to his mouth, and he said with difficulty: “Xiaosong, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t talk nonsense, you haven’t done anything wrong to me.” I said with tears in my eyes.
He said, “Song, I may not be able to accompany you any longer. Promise me that if I die, you will live a good life, treat yourself well, and find a man who will treat you better than I will.”
I stood up, put an oxygen mask on him, and said to him, “Don’t worry about it. It’s just a minor illness. You’ll be fine after you recover.”
He refused to let go of my hand: “Promise me.”
I really couldn’t bear to see him in so much pain, so in order to let him rest in peace, I had to nod and say, “I promise you, you rest well and be obedient.”
Seeing me nod, he smiled, gradually loosened his grip on my hand, and moved his eyes away from me, looking forward.
The ECG monitor suddenly sounded an alarm, his heartbeat began to straighten out, and his blood pressure dropped. I quickly pressed the emergency bell, grabbed his hand, and shouted for a doctor, but at this time he closed his eyes.
When the doctor arrived, he took one look at me and said, “Prepare for the funeral… Time of death: 4:05.”
How is this possible? No way! I knelt in front of his bed, calling him, shaking him… all this is not real! I turned around and begged the doctor to save him, but the doctor still walked out of the cold emergency room. In the past, I was lying here, hovering at the gates of hell, but this time it was him, but he didn’t open his eyes again, and just left me like that. Less than an hour after entering the hospital, a life was gone. What should I do? What should I do? Without you, what’s the point of me living? Without you, my world falls apart.
With the death certificate in hand, I, accompanied by his best friends, went to his workplace to collect the funeral expenses. I spent 8,800 yuan to buy a grave in the cemetery and buried him there.
The night in the cemetery was so dark and the wind was so cold. I leaned against the cold tombstone and cried alone…
When I got home, I walked into the kitchen, where he had been busy making delicious food for me a few days ago; the bathroom, where we had been splashing water and playing; the bedroom, where we had been sleeping in each other’s arms in the same bed a few days ago… Now everything was cold. Everything was gone, and my world had really collapsed.
I called his brother and sister-in-law, and they came over that afternoon. They were not surprised to see me, because they had known about my existence for a long time, but they just didn’t know what I looked like. This meeting was also the only time I met them in this life.
He had 250,000 yuan in savings before his death, plus 274,000 yuan in funeral expenses from his company, and he also left behind a 147-square-meter house. The card number, password, and house certificate, everything was laid out in front of his brother and sister-in-law. There was no sadness on their faces, and their eyes were fixed on the bank card and house certificate.
I left with a Pixiu that he gave me when we traveled to Mount Tai in Shandong.
I have nothing to worry about. I want to go with you. Wait for me…
A helpless life
For him, I attempted suicide three times. I took medicine but failed twice. The third time, I hid under a bridge in a remote rural area, cut my wrists and took medicine, but I was still sent to the hospital by an old lady.
Why don’t you let me die? Why don’t you let me go with you? Why leave me to live in pain?
“Live well and be kind to yourself”, these are the words he left me before he left. Yes, I should live well, because this is my promise, because I am the continuation of his life, because I am here, he is here.
Two months after he passed away, I went to the cemetery to see him. When I arrived at the grave, I found it was empty. I checked the number and it was correct.
While I was calling the police, I went to find the administrator. He explained that a week ago, the deceased’s brother and sister-in-law came with a certificate, saying that they wanted to move the grave back to their hometown, and also took away 2,200 yuan in refunds.
I sat on the ground.
2200 yuan? I’m CNM! I left you so much money and such a big house, but you couldn’t bear to give me 2000 yuan! Are you still human? According to the custom of his hometown, those who don’t have sons are not allowed to enter the ancestral tomb. Where did you two wolves move him back to? You are so heartless! When I wanted to see him, there was nowhere to go!
I had no choice but to make a tablet for him in a temple deep in the mountains of Xingcheng. Those who deserve retribution will get it sooner or later, and I really don’t have the energy to argue with them. Besides, I have been with him for three years, and he didn’t let me work because he was afraid that my body couldn’t take it, and I didn’t bring a penny with me, so I should think about my future.
I started my life of looking for a job and struggling to make a living again.
Two years later, I couldn’t stand the loneliness any more and really wanted someone to accompany me, even just to talk. So I tried to find a boyfriend online, but everything was different from a few years ago. The chat room was full of lust, and my longing made me get deceived again and again. I was even deceived to Xiaogan, Hubei, and I was penniless and asked someone to take me back to Northeast China.
During this period, no one is worth remembering, so let it be just a passing cloud.
By today, I feel tired, really tired.
There were so many changes in my family—my mother remarried and moved to Shanghai; my father started to curry favor with me for money; my grandparents passed away one after another…
Because of my damn father, I am now heavily in debt. He kept asking me for money, a small sum every three days, a large sum every five days, saying that he was going to see a doctor, but in fact he spent all the money on smoking, drinking, and gambling. Although I thought about not caring about him anymore, my mother said, “Son, you have to learn to be grateful. You were born in such a family. It is your fate. You can’t choose it, and you can’t change it. No matter how much you hate him, he is your father after all, and his blood flows in your bones”… So, no matter how difficult it is, I will lend him money for “medical treatment.”
In September 2011, I met a man who did tattoos, and he moved in with me soon after. In the first two months with him, we only had sex twice, and one of the times his penis broke and bled a lot, and I didn’t know why, and that day I also bled because of an anal fissure. I didn’t have sex in the six months before I met him; after being with him, I had sex with someone else once, but I wore a condom.
The man’s ugly face was finally exposed. He kicked me out of the house I rented, cheated me of my money, and threatened to make my life miserable. I was in poor health and didn’t want to cause trouble, so I just left.
今年过年前，我开始出现各种不适，先是身上起了大片的红斑，之后全身淋巴结肿大，觉得乏力，口腔溃疡，嗓子肿。我知道，多半是阳性，起码是八九不离十。要不是因为现在便血太厉害，我甚至不会去医院。所以当我知道结果后，一点儿也不吃惊。
When I got the positive result of the second test from the CDC today, I cried at home, but not for myself. Maybe I deserved it, but my mother suffered all her life and no one saw her off to the end of her life, which made me sad…
Final Thoughts
I want to say to my first boyfriend: Husband, if you were still here, you would be 46 years old. I have waited for you for nine years, I have missed you for nine years, and I have longed for you for nine years. The moment I got the test results, I knew that the day of our reunion was not far away. Wait for me, I will come to you soon, you must miss me too. Dear, I’m sorry that I couldn’t find a man who treats me better than you, but got this disease. I’m sorry, don’t blame me. We will still be together in the next life, and I hope that by then, same-sex marriage will be legal; I hope that by then, we will finish the road that we have not finished in this life together.
To my mother: Mom, you are the only person I care about in this world. I have grown up, and you have grown old. But your son may not be able to see you to the end, and may even make you die before you. Please forgive me for being unfilial. You have suffered a lot for your son in your life, but you have never enjoyed a single day of happiness from your son. Mom, I love you. If there is an afterlife, I would like to be your son again, but I am afraid of hurting you again, so let me be a speck of dust, and I just need to feel you all the time. Mom, if your son is gone, you must live a good life, and don’t shed tears for me, an unfilial son, and let me go in peace. Mom, if your son is gone, I hope you will tell everyone that your son died of a sudden heart attack, so that you will not lose face. Mom, I love you!
To my two best friends: Third brother, I am not competent as the eldest brother and have not set a good example for you and the fifth brother. If one day I am gone, I don’t ask you to shed tears for me, just don’t feel ashamed for having a friend like me. Although we can’t go to the end together, I am very glad to know you. Third brother, as for the fifth brother, he is still young, you have to help me take good care of him and don’t let him get wronged. He has no opinions on anything, you have to help him give more ideas and support each other… Fifth brother, I am sorry for you and the third brother as the eldest brother, don’t blame me. Remember, if the eldest brother is gone one day, you are not allowed to be sad or cry, otherwise I will not be at ease. I am not worthy of your tears to see me off. One day you will grow up, but in my eyes, you will always be a child. In the words of your first “brother-in-law”, “live a good life and treat yourself well.”
To all my friends in the circle: Friends, learn from the past, don’t follow my footsteps. Everyone has his own life and story. Whether you can live a wonderful life depends on yourself. When I faced death, I realized how wonderful my life was, so I hope everyone cherishes the happiness in the present. I don’t pray for sympathy from others, because I deserve it, but all this is a lesson learned in blood, don’t be like me. The tree wants to be still but the wind does not stop, the son wants to support his parents but they are not waiting, while there is still a chance, love your parents a little more. In this world, no one will love you more than your parents. Be kind to yourself and be kind to the people around you!
