It was late, but I still couldn’t sleep. My chest was so stuffy that I could hardly breathe.
At the beginning of this year, I had some physical symptoms, the most serious of which was blood in my stool, which was extremely painful. It was not until April that I had the courage to go to the hospital for treatment because I felt embarrassed to take off my pants in front of the doctors and nurses. After an electronic anorectal examination, the doctor found many problems and recommended that I have an operation.
An hour after the preoperative examination, the blood test results came out, but the doctor refused to perform the operation on me because I was HIV positive.
This result was not a bolt from the blue for me, but the looks from the doctors and nurses made me want to jump directly from the outpatient building (since this was a rapid test, the hospital was afraid that the test results would be inaccurate and asked me to go for a re-examination the next day. If the result was confirmed to be positive the next day, they would ask for my identity information).
When I came out of the hospital, it was drizzling in Shenyang in April and the sky was gray, just like my mood.
I called my two best friends and told them the test results. They said, “It may be a misdiagnosis. Go to the CDC tomorrow for an accurate test. Don’t worry about it.” “Your heart is not good. Don’t think too much. Rapid tests are not accurate.”
After I calmed down, I returned home, turned on my computer, and looked at everything familiar. There were no tears, no despair as I imagined, but my mind was blank. I sat in front of the computer, letting the wind and rain knock on the closed doors and windows. For me now, these sounds no longer make me feel irritated, because there are not many days left to enjoy all this. I smoked one cigarette after another, with empty eyes, thinking back on the 26 years of my life…
Childhood and secondary school years
I was born in a good family. My parents are formal employees of enterprises and institutions. I am the only grandson of my grandparents, and they regard me as their treasure.
When I was two years old, my father was laid off and never recovered. He indulged in drinking, smoking, gambling, and beating my mother and me. For my sake, my mother endured the humiliation and lived with my father for another 16 years. During this period, my mother almost died from my father’s violence several times, and I could not escape his clutches either. I almost broke a leg and was almost paralyzed from the waist down.
When I was sixteen, domestic violence happened again. My father locked my mother in the house and broke one of her arms, one of her legs, and seven of her ribs. When the neighbor jumped over the wall to come in, my father had the scissors pointed at my mother’s heart…
Her mother was sent to the hospital by neighbors for emergency treatment. After escaping from the tiger’s mouth, she formally filed for divorce.
In this kind of life, I don’t know what a tall and majestic man looks like, let alone what a father should look like. Moreover, I knew very early that I liked men, so I longed to be protected by men and longed for that sense of security…
After graduating from junior high school, I was admitted to a local key high school, which made my mother very happy. She put the tuition in my drawer early. The tuition was 7,000 yuan, and there were 70 hundred-yuan bills. It was the first time I had seen so much money in my life. I counted it several times almost every day. But at this time, I found that I often had difficulty breathing in the middle of the night and was woken up by suffocation. I told my grandmother about it, and she said it was “sleep paralysis” and it was okay, so I didn’t take it seriously. At that time, my father didn’t even acknowledge that he had a son like me, and my mother was busy supporting the family and had no time to listen to me.
When I woke up from the excitement of going to college, I suddenly wanted to leave this home. Otherwise, even if I didn’t die at home, I would go crazy. So I hid it from my mother and secretly went to a Dalian technical secondary school that was recruiting students from my school. The fee was exactly the tuition for my high school. My mother eventually found out about it, but she didn’t say much, just silently shed tears. Because she knew that such a family environment was not good for my growth.
In a blink of an eye, it was the day to register for the new school. My mother prepared everything. Everything on my body, including the clothes in my suitcase, was new. The night before I left, my mother took me to eat my favorite spicy hot pot. On the way home after dinner, she said to me: “Son, you have never left me for so many years. Now you are going to go to school outside. Everything will depend on yourself. You can be independent. Mom is not worried about your life. But a mother is worried about her son when he is thousands of miles away. Life outside can be good or bad. You must control yourself, study hard, get along well with your classmates, respect your teachers, and don’t touch other people’s things no matter how good they are. If you want something, tell me and I will buy it for you.” I cried silently and listened quietly to my mother’s farewell instructions.
On the day of departure, my mother hired a taxi to take me to Dalian. Because I woke up early, I slept on my mother’s lap all the way. When we were about to get off the Dalian Expressway, a few drops of water dripped on my face. I opened my eyes and saw my mother crying. At that time, I didn’t quite understand my mother’s feelings, and everything outside seemed very new to me. Over the years, Jinzhou was the largest city I had been to, and now it was Dalian!
When I got to school, my mother helped me with all the formalities. After I tidied up the dormitory and had a simple meal, it was time for my mother to go back. My mother refused to let me see her off, fearing that I would not be able to find the way back. Then, my mother got in the car, and the car started. She half-leaned out of the window and waved to me. At that moment, my tears immediately flowed down. But I couldn’t let my mother see it, I wanted her to be at ease.
The night my mother returned, I tossed and turned in my dorm, unable to fall asleep. My mother should have been home by then. Would she be beaten and scolded by my father again? Would there be no one to hold my father back? What if my mother was beaten to death by my father? I was so worried about my mother that I didn’t sleep well at all or eat a single meal in the first four days.
On the fifth day, we went to Jinzhou, Dalian, to participate in the military training before school enrollment. In Dalian, a coastal city, the weather in September is very hot. I couldn’t stand standing in the hot sun for several days in a row, and I didn’t eat or rest well. When the instructor came to me, I suddenly fell on him. At that time, everyone thought I had heat stroke, so they let me rest for more than ten minutes under the shade of the tree against the instructor. After finding that my condition did not improve, the military leaders called a military doctor. After examining me, the military doctor said that this child’s lips were purple and his face was blue. It was not heat stroke, but a heart disease!
I was rushed to Jinzhou Hospital, where I was resuscitated for four hours, and then transferred to the Second Affiliated Hospital of Dalian Medical University. In the early hours of the morning, my condition finally stabilized. When I was more awake, my homeroom teacher gently asked me if I wanted to call my mother. I cried, weakly holding the teacher’s hand and said, “I’m fine, don’t tell my mother.”
The teacher still notified my family, and I was rescued in the early morning of that day. However, the Second Hospital refused to admit me in this situation, and I don’t remember the specific reason. Our dean and class teacher took me to the house rented by the dean and let me sleep on the bed.
The next morning, just after dawn, I heard the door open and footsteps. I opened my eyes and saw a familiar figure at the bedroom door. It was really familiar… Yes, my mother was here!
My mother came to me, touched my face and said, “Son, open your eyes and look who is here. Mom is here to see you.” I used all my strength to open my arms and hug my mother, crying with her. When I looked at my mother carefully, I found that half of her hair was white. At this time, I finally understood what “white hair overnight” meant.
In the following days, my mother accompanied me to Dalian for a full-body checkup. When I was doing the last 24-hour dynamic electrocardiogram, my mother’s company called and said that it was time for the annual checkup and she had to go back to work. But my test results would not be available for 12 hours, so my mother said, “Son, I have to go back. Your full-body checkup is fine, but the 24-hour dynamic electrocardiogram has not yet come out. Go to the hospital to get the results tomorrow, and call me as soon as possible.”
The next day, I went to the hospital with my classmates to get the results. The doctor gave me a hospitalization notice. He said the results showed that I had sinus arrhythmia, second-degree aRb-right bundle branch block, mitral valve regurgitation, and cardiac arrest between 1 and 3 a.m., with the longest duration of 15 seconds and the shortest duration of 4 seconds. I immediately called and told my mother the results, and she came to Dalian to take me home for medical treatment.
Because my heart disease was so serious, I had to drop out of school and transfer to a regular high school near my home. But the frequent attacks made the school afraid of accidents, so they persuaded me to drop out.
This year, I was sixteen years old and was diagnosed with heart disease.
This year, my parents divorced and I dropped out of school.
This year, I left home, entered society, and entered the gay community…
Gay Love World
Sixteen was a turning point in my life. Since then, I have experienced all kinds of joys and sorrows, ups and downs, and bitterness and sweetness…
While my family was away, I took 120 yuan and boarded a train to Shenyang.
Shenyang is my dream. When my mother took me to Shenyang Medical University for cardiology treatment, my horizons were instantly broadened – such tall buildings, such wide streets, everything was seen for the first time. At that time, I secretly vowed that one day I would build my own home in this city.
So I left home and chose Shenyang to fulfill my dream.
When I first arrived in Shenyang, life was really difficult. I only had 100 yuan on me, so I could only stay in a small hotel in front of the train station. But at 20 yuan a night, I couldn’t stay there for long. I was only sixteen years old, had no ID card, and couldn’t find a job. Later, I found a job as a dishwasher in a big hotel in front of Shenyang North Railway Station. Behind the partition in the hotel kitchen, in that very narrow passage, there were plates and bowls piled up like a mountain. I only make 25 yuan by working ten hours a day, but it’s a lot for me. After that, I found another job. I washed dishes during the day and went to small hotels and guesthouses at night, stuffing the phone numbers of “streetwalkers” into the cracks of the doors. They paid me 15 yuan for three hours. This job is very dangerous. If caught by the security guards, you will be severely beaten. But forty yuan a day is enough to cover my food, medicine and accommodation expenses. At that time, my daily meal was steamed buns. Four steamed buns cost one yuan, which I put on disposable chopsticks and ate with cold water. At most, I would add 45 bags of pickled mustard tubers for 10 yuan. As they stayed in the hotel for a long time, the room rate was reduced from 20 yuan per day to 15 yuan, 10 yuan, and finally to no payment. I cleaned ten rooms for them every day, including washing the sheets and quilt covers. In this way, I saved 1,354 yuan.
But fate loves to play tricks on people. One day, I was walking on the street and my heart attack recurred. A passing lady took me to the hospital for emergency treatment. When I regained consciousness and saw that I was in the hospital, I quickly pulled out the infusion device on my hand. The doctors and nurses came to stop me, and I could only tell them, “I have no money, I can’t pay.” Later, I held on to the wall and walked step by step to the ATM, took out 1,300 yuan, and gave it to the hospital. Even so, there was still a shortfall of more than 80 yuan, which the doctor at the time helped me to pay.
Once I got sick, I was back to the time before liberation. I had only 54 yuan in my hand. After two days, I only had 5 yuan left. I couldn’t work in this state. I was really desperate, so I had to drag my luggage to the Internet cafe next to Shenyang Station. It cost 2.5 yuan per hour, and I could only use it for two hours. My only thought at the time was that if someone could give me something to eat and a temporary place to stay, I would be willing to do anything. But the reality turned out to be the opposite of what I wished for. No one would want someone like me even if I gave it to them for free.
It was almost 10 o’clock, and there were less than 40 minutes left before I was offline. During this time, I met my first boyfriend in the chat room. I told him about my situation briefly, and he said, “Just wait there, I will definitely come to see you tonight”… Maybe many friends are curious, but the gay chat rooms a few years ago were not that chaotic, and few people looked for 419, and even fewer people talked.
I had no money and nowhere to go, so I squatted under a tree in the park outside the train station, hoping he would come.
At around one in the morning, he really came, and took a taxi from Shanhaiguan to Shenyang!
That night, he took me to stay in a hotel in front of Shenyang Railway Station. The next day, he took me to his house, which had three bedrooms and a living room, and was 147 square meters. I had never seen such a big house in my life. During the chat, I learned that he was a cadre of the local public security, procuratorial and judicial organs. He was 37 years old that year, with no parents, no children, and only a brother and sister-in-law. He said to me: “Song, if you don’t like me, I will take care of you like a younger brother. I feel sorry for you. If you like me, let’s try to date.”
So, I moved into his house. In the first month, he and I lived in separate bedrooms, with a room in between. But in the end, I got into his bed first, and our happy gay life began.
During the three years we lived together, I stayed in bed while he was at work every day, and he would always kiss me gently and say to me, “Honey, I’m at work.” After coming back from get off work, he would give me a big hug, “Honey, I’m back.” Every day he called me three times – when he arrived at the office, he called to wake me up; at noon, he called to remind me to eat and take medicine; before leaving get off work, he called to ask me what I wanted to eat. In these three years, he refused all evening social events. As a civil servant, this is really not easy, but he did it. He came back every day to cook for me and accompany me; on snowy mornings, we went to buy breakfast and play snowball fights together; during the holidays, he took me to travel to many places… He treated me like a father to his son, like an elder brother to his younger brother, and more like a husband to his wife. I can really feel that love. He gave me the happiest three years of my life!
I thought that life would continue like this happily, but I didn’t expect…
