I have been a rebellious child since I was young.
My family was well off when I was a child, but we had the worries that come with being a wealthy family.
Broken family, lonely me
When I was 6 years old, something happened in my family. The money my parents had worked hard for was taken away by my father’s good friend. My parents divorced, and I followed my mother and changed her surname.
So I have a weird temper. Rather than saying I am weird, I am just a weird person. I am a loner by nature and don’t like to make friends. I believe that friends are there to be used and betrayed.
When I was 9 years old, I became sensible. My mother was often not at home. I cooked, washed clothes, did housework, and attended classes by myself. My grades were always good, but no parents ever came to parent-teacher meetings. The teacher asked me several times, and I could only say that I didn’t know if my mother could come.
When I was 11 years old, I found a disc of porn in the closet. I was very curious at that time, but I didn’t dare to watch it alone, so I called my cousin. He was 16 that year. After watching it, I felt an urge in my lower abdomen. My cousin also looked at me with blurred eyes and asked me if I wanted to try it. I was excited at the time and said yes to him.
That was my first time, and we maintained this kind of relationship afterwards. At that time, I had no idea what homosexuality was, and I didn’t know that I liked boys.
I look okay, so there are a lot of girls chasing after me in school. I am the type who doesn’t know how to say no and I’m afraid of hurting their feelings, so whenever someone chases me, I agree, date them, and try my best to be a good boyfriend.
When I was in sixth grade and junior high school, my girlfriend and I had very little time together. We usually passed notes to each other during class. On weekends, when I went home, I would carefully select gifts for my girlfriend. Occasionally, we would stroll along the river together. It was fresh, natural, and heart-pounding.
Later, another time, my good friend sent a love letter to me on behalf of my girlfriend. I opened it with great joy and was stunned. It turned out that every sentence in the two-page love letter was my girlfriend’s love for my good friend. It was very painful at that time. I cried on the spot and felt dizzy.
I had a dream that night. I dreamed of my good friend, but in the dream we were not rivals in love. Instead, we kissed and loved each other like lovers. I was 13 years old that year.
Our family financial situation improved little by little thanks to my mother’s efforts. She also satisfied me in every way, buying me the best clothes, the best stationery, the best toys, whatever I wanted.
When I was fourteen, I witnessed my mother making love with the uncle next door. They were panting and moaning right next to my ears. My mother thought I was asleep. After she sent the uncle away and found that I was awake, she asked me if I wanted Uncle Li to be my father. I said no. Although I knew that my mother had a boyfriend, I also knew that she had not married in order to protect me from being wronged.
That year I had a younger sister.
Love and romance on the Internet
That year I became addicted to the Internet. I spent all day on the computer watching anime, playing games, and surfing the Internet. The first time I came into contact with the circle was when I saw a person on a forum. He wrote that he was looking for a lesbian for a marriage of convenience. The conditions were good and he was a retired air force soldier. There was a QQ account and a blog below.
I clicked on his blog and found out his name was Xiao Yao. I imitated Zhao Linger in The Legend of Sword and Fairy and called him “Brother Xiaoyao”. He told me his story –
He met Mei Jie in the army. They were in the same squad in the recruit company and had a good relationship. Later, they gradually got together. But when he was discharged from the army, Mei Jie said to him, “I love you, but we are not right. I hope you and I can get on the right track, get married and have children.” Then I saw his post, looking for a lesbian marriage.
At that time, I thought that love between two men was like smoking, just for fun. I naively thought that I would not fall into it.
I want to pursue Xiao Yao, but I don’t know anything and I can’t do anything.
I found another man online, 25 years old, named Zhang Li, and we agreed to meet by the bridge. I finally saw him, with a big belly and a short stature. I also met his friends, the somewhat effeminate Wang Kai and the very manly Lala Weiwei…
That night I went to Zhang Li’s house, and we made love all night. I only felt pain, and then I realized that my cousin and I had not made it to the end.
The next day when I got home, my mother asked me why I didn’t come back all night and why I didn’t bring my cell phone. I said I was tired and went upstairs to rest.
I had diarrhea all day that day.
I wrote a diary entry about my love for men and showed it to my mother.
I told my cousin that I like men, and my cousin said, if you like someone, go for it, all love is the same.
After reading my diary, my mother was obviously not upset and didn’t say anything to me.
I cut off contact with Zhang Li. I treated Zhang Li as my teacher and used my virginity as tuition.
Two weeks after the start of the second year of junior high school, my mother drove to the school to pick me up and said she was taking me to meet someone.
Military romance
The car stopped downstairs of the Armed Forces Department. My mother took the household registration that was changed to a five-year-older age to the Minister of Armed Forces and asked him to introduce me to the company commander of the new recruit company, Captain Meng. Captain Meng asked my mother how old I was. My mother said 15 years old, because the household registration was changed to a older age.
That night, Captain Meng had dinner with us. I ate my fifteenth birthday cake. Then the next day, I followed Captain Meng to Yinchuan, Ningxia, to start my military life.
This was my mother’s method. She thought I lacked masculinity and that it might be better for me to go to the military camp for some experience.
But she didn’t expect that after I joined the army, I discovered that I was a complete gay.
There I had the same experience as Xiao Yao and fell in love with a comrade from the same class, his name was Guo Haoran.
The first time I met him was when I was being scolded by the squad leader. He spoke for me with a naughty smile and was finally beaten up by the squad leader.
Captain Meng had told me that I was young and asked everyone to take care of me and to do my training and physical exercises to the best of my ability.
But I won’t give in. As long as others can do it, I can do it.
On the night when the new recruits were assigned to the company, the whole class celebrated and everyone drank a lot. My bed was next to Guo Haoran’s. We were originally single beds, but because we were next to each other, it was like we were sleeping in a double bed. After drinking, I got so excited that I lay on the bed, unable to sleep, and stared at the ceiling.
At this time, Guo Haoran came over, looked at me and said, “You have beautiful eyes.” My face turned slightly red. He then said, “Can I kiss you?” Then, we kissed passionately. Alcohol ignited our desire, and we released our desire in each other’s hands. There is a saying that is very true, “drunk and promiscuous” means that two people who want to do it originally drink a little wine as a cover.
The next day, Guo Haoran told me that he hoped I could forget last night because he was drunk. I said, “Okay.” Although my heart ached.
God was blind and sent us to the same company, but he was in the fifth squad and I was in the sixth squad.
I avoided him every day, during gatherings, exercises, meals, and entertainment.
I won’t go anywhere he is, and I will turn around and leave as soon as I see him.
One day after training, I went to the WC. I don’t like urinals, so I always go to the big toilet. I thought there was no need to close the door. I just unzipped my pants and heard someone coming in. I thought it was crowded outside and he was in a hurry to go to the toilet, so I didn’t pay attention. After I finished, I found out it was Guo Haoran.
He looked at me and asked me why I was avoiding him. I said, you said you hope everything will return to the way it was, you are you and I am me. He didn’t say anything, paused for 2 seconds, pressed me hard against the wall, kissed me and said, you are a demon, I can’t forget you, my mind is full of you, I found you avoiding me, do you know how uncomfortable I am?
I was shocked by what happened suddenly, and slowly shed tears of joy. It turned out that he liked me too.
From then on, we became good friends. We played and fought every day. He would not tolerate me suffering any injustice. If someone bullied me, he would definitely be there to help me.
I remember one time, I accidentally bumped into a deputy squad leader in a row. I was young and hot-headed at that time, so I didn’t apologize and was slapped. Fortunately, I didn’t care. I don’t know where Guo Haoran heard that I was slapped, but that night he brought a few fellow villagers to beat up the deputy squad leader. Before leaving, the deputy squad leader said, “Why are you standing up for him? Why don’t you do it yourself, you coward?” Guo Haoran got angry and hit him on the head with a brick.
The deputy squad leader was in the hospital and Guo Haoran was put in solitary confinement. Neither of them gave me up. The company commander and the instructor were afraid that if it got out, it would cause a big trouble, so they suppressed the news in the company and no one was allowed to tell anyone, let alone tell the battalion commander. However, Guo Haoran was asked to reflect for a week, write a 100,000-word self-criticism, and copy the entire disciplinary regulations 100 times.
That time I knew that Guo Haoran regarded me as very important.
Since then, our relationship has become better. We would secretly hold hands during assembly. The squad leader of Class 5 was seconded to perform a mission, and the people from Class 5 were divided equally into each class. Guo Haoran swapped with the person assigned to our class and came to our class. He also changed beds with the person next to me, and we slept in a double bed again. At night, we hugged, held hands, and kissed under the quilt.
Guo Haoran was reviewing because he wanted to get into military school. In order to spend time with him, I also submitted my application. Every day we had four hours to review in the study room. That time, while we were reviewing, his hands became naughty and touched my underwear. Later, we had sex for the first time in such a long time in the study room.
The lubricant and condoms that Guo Haoran bought were placed in my toiletry bag. During another housekeeping inspection, a platoon leader saw the condoms and helped me put them away. There was a hint of intention in his eyes when he looked at me that I couldn’t understand.
The company commander thought the lubricant was hand cream and didn’t even look at it. After we were done, a platoon leader called me over, handed me the condom, and told me to keep it safe next time so I wouldn’t get caught. I said yes.
One weekend, Guo Haoran and I went out together and each bought a cell phone. The next day, my phone was stolen, so he gave me his and asked me to use it first. At night, my phone vibrated and the company commander noticed it. In the end, I was called to attend a two-hour class.
After returning home, Guo Haoran said, it’s okay, he can buy it next time, but I know that the phone cost him five months salary.
Guo Haoran’s parents came and told the leader that they wanted him to apply to a military academy. They said they were afraid he would not pass and wanted him to have more time to review. So the company commander transferred Guo Haoran to the logistics class because there were no classes in the logistics class and there was plenty of time. That night after I helped him move his things there, he saw that I didn’t look well, so he told me that it was okay, we were still very close.
But I didn’t expect that he would break up with me the next day.
He said that this was wrong, and that we hadn’t vented for a long time, and he wanted to study with peace of mind and not let his parents down. I told him that I understood.
Then he went to the division to review, with a special teacher teaching and doing test questions. Although he was very close to the company, I never went to see him once. He did come back a few times to get something from the warehouse and visit his classmates. I was avoiding him.
By mistake, the platoon leader caught my kiss
A platoon leader saw that I was in a daze all day long, so he said to me, how come you lost your soul after Guo Haoran left?
After I heard this, I suddenly felt like my body was drained and I fell to the ground. A platoon leader quickly caught me. I saw him in a daze and thought it was Guo Haoran, so I said to him, “I miss you so much.” Then I kissed him.
The platoon leader was stunned for a moment, then responded to me passionately. That night I slept in his dormitory, hugging him naked.
When I woke up the next day and found myself naked hugging a platoon leader, I understood. I got up quietly and put on my clothes, and accidentally bumped into the platoon leader, who woke up. He said, “Wake up, sleep a little longer. You tossed and turned until 4 o’clock last night, and you don’t have many classes today.”
I said to him, Platoon Leader, I don’t remember anything from yesterday and I want to leave.
From then on, I avoided the platoon leader every day, just like I had avoided Guo Haoran before.
Once it was my turn to take roll call, a platoon leader told my squad leader that he wanted me to come over for a moment. I had no way of refusing, so I went over. I was taken to his dormitory, and as soon as I entered the room, he hugged me, kissed me, and asked me why I was avoiding him. I said that there was no possibility for us because I had someone in my heart.
He asked me if I was Guo Haoran. I said yes. Then he said, why did you provoke me and give me hope, you knew I liked you. I could only say sorry to him, and then I left. At this moment, I was thinking, Guo Haoran, why did you provoke me, you knew I liked you.
Guo Haoran was admitted to the military academy without a doubt, ranking second in the entire division.
After he left, the platoon leader consoled me several times and drank with me, but he gradually stopped coming and sighed when he saw me.
With two months left before my discharge, I have changed. I have become more sunny and my smile is very contagious. I have met my comrades in the company and integrated into the collective life of the barracks.
The platoon leader also said that I had changed and he couldn’t recognize me anymore. I told him that I was still me. It was time to retire. The company commander hoped that I would stay, and so did the platoon leader.
I chose to retire and go home. The scene when I was discharged was very sad, the feeling of separation, I cried several times. After others finished crying, I was slow to react.
Later, later…
When I got home, I found out that I had a new younger brother, my father’s, because my parents remarried.
My mother said to me, I hope you can get married. I found someone in the store who is very sensible.
I said to my mother, you know I like men.
My mother said to me, don’t say it, your father will beat you if he finds out.
I told my mother, that man didn’t want you at first, but now we have money, he came back. He is my father? What else did he do except leave me with him!
My mother slapped me, and we talked all night. My mother said, if we don’t get married, our whole family will move to Shanghai, and we will leave the house to you. We don’t want you anymore.
I was seventeen that day. I married a saleswoman in my family’s store, who was two years older than me. She asked me if I loved her, and I told her that I didn’t hate her.
One month after the marriage, something happened at home. My partner cheated my mother of all her money and spread the word that my mother was a liar.
In order to avoid implicating my father, my mother divorced my father.
Later, my mother committed suicide, leaving behind my younger brothers and sisters. When my father found out about the truth, he was so upset that he got into a car accident while drunk and followed my mother to death.
I divorced my ex-wife and told her that I like men.
I left the city with my younger brother and sister. We lost our house, our parents, and our home.
After arriving in the new city, I worked hard to provide a good environment for my younger brothers and sisters.
During that time, I dated a friend, but his private life was terrible. According to incomplete statistics, he cheated on me 20 times when he was with me. He also told me that he was with others for his career and that he was only with me because he wanted to be with me.
After the breakup, I met my current girlfriend, a veteran fujoshi.
She introduced a boyfriend to me, but she regretted it and said to me, “Be with me. I will help you take care of the baby, and I will leave when you meet your love.” Then we started living as fake lovers but real best friends.
My colleagues at work all know that I am gay, and they were surprised to hear that we were together. My aunt also knows that I am gay, but she was still very happy to know that I have a girlfriend.
Maybe I was hurt too much by love, I always think that raising my baby is enough, I don’t want to fall in love. I don’t have extra time, I get up to send my baby to school, eat, get off work, pick up my baby and go home. In the evening, I play games with my baby and then go to bed. I feel that my life is very fulfilling.
Zhang Li came out to his parents and did not marry Weiwei. Xiao Yao works on the railway and is happy with her boyfriend every day. Guo Haoran has a girlfriend and the platoon leader has been transferred to Urumqi. I wish everyone all the best.
