After the farewell, my left arm felt weightless and my chest was empty. That night, I held gay in my arms.
I know you are sleepy, a slight cold makes you sniff your nose constantly. In your sleep, you toss and turn like a frightened kitten, and I have to cover you with a blanket all night. It is the beginning of winter, and this city by the Yangtze River is very cold.
I don’t know how to make you feel at peace, I am at a loss. You approach me in my dreams, where is your warm place?
You put your head on my shoulder, and finally breathed long and evenly, snoring occasionally. Yes, you caught a cold. I could only stay still, afraid of waking you up. In the darkness, I looked at you with a little love, and we had only met for less than ten hours.
Is it just sympathy? I remembered the words that Pai Hsien-yung left on the title page of “Bad Sons”: “Written to those children who wandered alone on the streets in the deepest darkness, with nowhere to go.”
We sipped the best Blue Mountain coffee under the dim lights of “Grinding Time”. Now I like to add more milk and sugar. Once upon a time, I only drank pure black coffee, bitter, fragrant and lingering, the pure taste was just less rich.
We talked about homosexual topics, he talked about his love history, I talked about my friendship. Yu Lai felt that love was just as strong when it was deep. He said that homosexuals were like this: meet, feel like you can be together, have sex, and then walk away. After all, this group is too unstable. I said that love is the same, whether you are homosexual or heterosexual, you can’t just think about problems with your lower body. The body always hurts when it attracts emotions. Once you become numb, you don’t know what love is. He said: “I don’t believe in love…”
Looking at the eyes of the young person who claims not to believe in love, I am speechless.
He talked about his boyfriend, his family, the people around him, and he told his family, friends, and classmates about his sexual orientation. He said that this would make him feel relieved. I remembered that the original meaning of gay is “happy”, and secretly felt lucky for the tolerant environment he is in. There is always pressure, it’s just that he deliberately avoids it and his family selflessly bears it.
He said that he told his mother about his sexual orientation. His mother cried bitterly and asked him if he could change. He said no. From then on, his family never put pressure on him again. Mother’s love is always great, and home is always a person’s last harbor.
I listened to him talk about the little frictions with his boyfriend, his little rebelliousness, and his escape from responsibility. Is this an unruly sky? I thought of Leslie Cheung in “Happy Together” and the Phoenix and Ah Qing in “The Untold Story”.
Gays are “happy” and even “dissolute”, while love is heavy, exclusive, so are gays and love just like water and fire that can never touch each other?
That night, the crescent moon was like a hook, and I suddenly felt a sudden heat. I sat up and found that I was sweating all over. I got up and wiped it, and then touched your forehead. There was no sweat, so I went to sleep without worrying about it, and no longer tied the corners of the quilt for you. I said you must have been spoiled, but you said no, for a long time, you were a lonely child who no one cared about. When I said this, my heart suddenly hurt. Who in this world is not a lonely child?
Dawn is approaching, you seem to be half awake and suddenly dive into my arms, your soft hair tickles my neck, it feels a little weird. I still hold you gently, just like Saint-Exupéry holding his little prince.
Watching the little prince sleeping peacefully and comfortably on my chest, completely throwing away the soft pillow I gave him last night, I was thinking, you, you, just nakedly take down all your defenses, using the weakest but most powerful weapon to stir up the tenderness in people’s hearts. How can you sleep so peacefully in my arms? Yesterday, we were just strangers. Do you really only love strangers?
The alarm clock set on my phone rang on time, but you stayed in my arms and refused to get up. You said, haha, I actually fell asleep yesterday. I asked, how long has it been since you slept in someone’s arms? You said, a long, long time. I couldn’t help but hug you tightly from behind, holding your slender and soft hands. What can I give you? Warmth in this lonely and cold world?
At this moment, you are my little prince. I call you silly boy affectionately and coax you to get up obediently. You suddenly give me a sly smile in my arms and say, hey, you have chest hair.
That night, I held gay in my arms, and there was a tender feeling in the air that night.
