There are many ways to come out, such as with classmates, friends, colleagues, and family. The difficulty and complexity of each are different due to the different relationships between them. Coming out to family is the most difficult and complicated. So I will focus on talking about some of the big and small things that happened when my boyfriend and I came out to our family.
We are all family now.
Let me first briefly introduce the two protagonists: I, 28, am from a small town in Sichuan, and I live and work in Guangzhou; he, 35, is from a rural area in Jiangxi (a real rural area, the nearest grocery store is several miles away), and he lives and works in Guangzhou.
I met him in 2008. He was kind, considerate, tall and handsome… (cough, let’s get down to business) In short, within two months, he forced me to live with him on the grounds that my residence was dirty and messy. One day not long after that, his mother came to Guangzhou to see him. Since we rented a one-bedroom apartment with only one bed, he scratched his head all day and couldn’t figure out how to tell his mother. I was at work at the time, and he didn’t call me in advance. It wasn’t until I got home from get off work in the evening that he finally said to his mother: “I’m going to pick up a very important person (at that time he would pick me up at the bus stop every day, but now, hey), we live together now.” “Then go quickly, should I cook more dishes?” “I’m going to pick up a boy.” His mother’s face froze, and she was silent for a while, and said: “Can he be with you forever? What will you do when you are old?”
After that, my boyfriend didn’t try to reason with me or appeal to my emotions. He just said that no one can guarantee anything in the relationship, and told his mother not to look at me in disdain. I don’t remember much about the meal at home, it should be similar to any other meal, nothing special. I didn’t expect that this serious farmer, whose illiterate mother could not read, would accept me so quickly, without any persuasion or crying. It was not until a year later that we found out that my mother didn’t know what homosexuality was at all, and thought that we were the only two people in the world like this, and that it was a disease. But she didn’t ask us to change or get treatment, she just tolerated us with a kind heart.
Just like that, my boyfriend took the most important step of coming out. That night, his mother came to our bed and chatted with us. She also talked about children, saying that it is hard to find one now, but in the past, she could easily adopt a few for us. Haha, I just thought, oh my god, children, it’s so far away.
Later, he and I would visit his family from time to time. Later, his mother told his father, but his father didn’t say anything. In fact, he has never directly told us about this matter. But last year during the Chinese New Year, when I gave his father money to buy something, his father said, “My money is your money. We are all family. Don’t divide it so clearly.”
He has two brothers, a sister, two sisters-in-law, and four nieces. I still don’t know how they knew. Anyway, we became a family, haha. My 8-year-old niece said to me: “My uncle bought you from Sichuan. It would be great if my dad also went to Sichuan to buy one.” Sweat!
Dad just smiled.
On the other hand, it was my family’s turn. I took him home during the first Spring Festival and told my family that he was my friend from Guangzhou and that he was traveling to Sichuan for the Spring Festival. It was only natural that my family knew about this person. During that time, we played together and slept together. In short, we didn’t deliberately avoid anything or show anything.
In the summer of the following year, my boyfriend forced me to buy a house with him, saying that it was difficult to start a business without a home. This incident had nothing to do with coming out, but I think it was closely related to my successful coming out. I told my family clearly at the time that this was a house he and I bought together, and of course, the excuse was investment.
It was Chinese New Year again, and I took him back to my hometown. We had been trying to hint at something, so when we were shopping in Chengdu, we held hands on purpose and let my brother see us (this was not a hint, it was just arrogance, but we were more restrained in our hometown, after all, the place was small and we almost knew each other). Even my dad said to my boyfriend in person: “There is a saying: A husband cannot leave his wife, and a scale cannot leave its weight. You two really have a good relationship.”
Later, we asked my dad to come to Guangzhou and live with us for two months. We said, “Usually we sleep in one room each, but now that you’re here, naturally you’ll have one room and we’ll have one room.”
During this period, my friends in the circle said that your family should have guessed it. But my family never mentioned it, and occasionally they would urge me to at least find a girlfriend first. So it was the New Year again, and I decided to make a breakthrough. On the one hand, this was my wish for many years, and on the other hand, my boyfriend was doing so well, and I felt sorry for him if I didn’t make any progress. So, I decided to start with my younger brother. When I found a place where only my brother and I were, I said, “Do you know the real relationship between me and **?” He said without hesitation, “Of course I know. But have you ever thought about what my parents would think? Can they bear it? What if people around them knew about it?” I said, “So I didn’t tell them right away for the time being, hoping to let them accept it step by step. As for people around them, I tried not to let them know.” The conversation with my younger brother went smoothly. After all, we are all young people, and in the Internet age, what is a secret? After a brief chat, he said that he didn’t object to us, but just that his parents should be careful.
Later, my parents mentioned finding a girlfriend less and less, and every time they mentioned it, I would vaguely say that children and grandchildren will have their own blessings, so there is no need to worry too much. Until last year, when my younger brother got married, I went back alone, thinking that it would be better not to go back alone to avoid gossip from the neighbors. After a few days of busy work, I was watching TV with my mother in the living room. She suddenly asked me: “What’s going on between you and **? I heard that there are many homosexuals out there. Are you a homosexual?” I took a deep breath and said, “Yes.” I was very nervous at the time. I didn’t expect it to be so sudden. I originally thought that I would find an opportunity to show my parents a movie like “The Wedding Banquet” and then prepare some written materials before talking about it. Although I was caught off guard, my thoughts over the years came out all at once. At first, my mother was quite stern and said how I learned bad things and shouldn’t do such embarrassing things. Fortunately, my mother was not too excited, so I reasoned with her and moved her with emotion, telling her that this was innate and there was no choice. If I could choose, why would I choose this difficult path. Tell her that society is now very open-minded, and many gay parents have publicly stood up to support their children. Tell her that recognition of homosexuality is an inevitable trend, and more and more countries support same-sex marriage…
Gradually, my mother stopped insisting that this was a bad thing. She said that she had already seen it a year ago, but she felt that I was living alone in another place and was afraid that if it was exposed, my boyfriend would take some extreme measures against me, haha. Now that I think about it, the effect of our active contact with my family in the past few years is still very obvious. Although my parents did not say it explicitly, they were observing silently. They actually thought a lot and had a long time to slowly digest this information. So after she took the initiative to point it out, she did not insist stubbornly, but gave up persuading after a brief attempt. During the discussion between my mother and I, my father came in once, and my mother said, “Your son said he is gay.” Then my father smiled and walked out again.
Finally, my mother said nothing more, but just said: “Next time someone asks me, I will tell them that you don’t want to get married and plan to live alone.”
My mother also said that this kind of relationship can’t last long, and I must be more careful about finances so as not to embarrass myself in the future. I didn’t refute her on this point. I have nothing else to ask for as my mother can understand me to this extent, haha.
“My grandma knows too.”
At this point, my boyfriend and I have basically come out to our families, but the story is not over yet, haha.
Before the Chinese New Year last year, we discussed going back to his hometown to celebrate the New Year together. He said that most of his aunts and uncles probably knew about our relationship…
Here’s the thing, his family is quite big, his father has many brothers and sisters, and they like to interact with each other. Unlike my family, my dad is a rare only child. And his mother likes to come to our house very much, and she comes to stay for a few months every year, so some of his aunts, uncles, cousins and the like will come to our house from time to time, sometimes just for dinner, and sometimes for a few days. During this period, my boyfriend and I did not hide anything, and one year before, I accompanied him back to his hometown and met his grandmother and a little aunt, so he estimated that those relatives should know about it. He also heard from his mother that once in his hometown, several relatives were chatting about why he didn’t have a girlfriend yet, and his little aunt said: “He already has one in Guangzhou.”
I didn’t take it seriously. The most important thing is that my family understands me. But the story is not over yet, haha.
When we returned to his hometown for the New Year, we naturally visited relatives and friends. On the third day of the New Year, his grandmother celebrated her 80th birthday, and there were seven tables in the courtyard. He arranged for me to sit next to his aunt, and he ran around to be the waiter. The aunt was diligent in picking up dishes and was very enthusiastic towards me. In the evening, after everything was cleaned up, he said that he hadn’t chatted with his grandmother for a long time, so he ran to his grandmother’s room to chat. I didn’t understand their hometown dialect very well, so I didn’t follow him. After a while, he ran over to me excitedly and said, “My grandmother also knows about our relationship.” “Ah!” “She also asked me if you were good to me, haha, and said that those aunts said that you are a good person, as long as you are happy.” Hahahaha.
The diary basically ends here, but life goes on, and the story continues. My family is worried about our financial problems, and his family is worried about raising children. Both families haven’t sat down and discussed it formally yet, haha. There is still a lot of follow-up work to be done after coming out.
Calm colleagues
The above is the story of how my boyfriend and I came out to our family. In fact, life is very trivial, so the record is not comprehensive, please forgive me. Here are some conversations I had with other people coming out, for reference only:
Me: I actually like boys.
Student A: Oh, actually there are quite a lot of people like you nowadays.
Me: I have something very important to tell you, I actually like boys.
Classmate B: I thought it was something else, it’s just this.
Me: I actually like boys.
Classmate C: Going to college really broadens your horizons.
Me: I actually like boys.
Student Ding: Actually, sometimes I feel like I am a little bit…
Me: I actually like boys.
Classmate Ding: You like **, right?
Me: You figured it out, haha. Actually, I think you’re having an affair with our class monitor.
Classmate Ding: Don’t talk nonsense, we are different from you.
Me: I actually like boys.
Colleague A: Oh, I’m not surprised.
