There were two homosexuals in my high school class.
There was a boy who was white, thin, tall, good at studying, with bangs that slightly covered his eyes. He had a calm and quiet personality and was favored by teachers and female classmates.
At that time, we were still using forums, and everyone liked to post something on the campus forums. Most of the posts on the forums were just spam with little content.
However, one day, a post appeared on the forum. I still remember the name of that post, which was called “Do you know Lin Xuyang?”
Lin Xuyang is his name.
The post begins with a few pictures of Lin Xuyang and another man.
In the photos, they were shopping together, some were looking at each other, some were standing side by side. Lin Xuyang was smiling happily, I had never seen this expression on him at school.
However, I don’t know why, but this picture of two good brothers makes me feel weird, as if… they are too intimate.
Behind the picture were a few words from the poster. I don’t remember the details, but the general idea was that Lin Xuyang and that man had an improper relationship.
That was my first exposure to the word “homosexual”.
When I saw this word, I was shocked and felt a little uncomfortable.
The post quickly went viral.
The next day, on my way to school, I saw people secretly looking at him in the classroom, and occasionally people whispering to each other.
At that time, most people were skeptical about the authenticity of the post, and a few of Lin Xuyang’s die-hard fans even glared back at those who stole glances at Lin Xuyang.
Lin Xuyang was also normal, he went between school and home.
After a few days, the popularity of this post died down. I thought it would sink like other posts, but I didn’t expect it to drop a bombshell.
——It updates a picture.
——A photo of Lin Xuyang kissing that man.
The next day, the mood had noticeably changed.
Almost everyone was pointing and talking behind Lin Xuyang’s back.
But he acted as if nothing had happened, remained calm and continued to be a model student.
One day, I took half a day off sick, and I felt strange when I returned to school in the afternoon.
During class, I pretended to turn around and wink at my friends, secretly glancing at him.
He stood very straight, as if trying to cheer up, but it was still obvious that he looked much more depressed. His calm eyes concealed fatigue and confusion, as well as a deeper fear.
It was not until I got home from school that I found out what had happened.
This morning, Lin Xuyang’s desk was covered with words like “Fuck homosexual”, “Disgusting”, and “Go to hell”.
The head teacher was furious on the podium, slapping the podium with his hands every time he spoke. I could hardly hear what he said, but it was obvious that he was very angry about his favorite student being bullied. After a while, perhaps he had calmed down a little, he finally stopped and said to us with a stern face that we should pay attention to the facts when doing things and not gossip about others.
I remembered that post and I thought my homeroom teacher would probably see it tonight.
Before he finished speaking, a sneer came from the corner.
It was Zuo Yi’s laughter.
Zuo Yi has disliked Lin Xuyang for a long time, which may be due to his natural aversion to the opposite sex.
Zuo Yi and Lin Xuyang are two different types of people. Zuo Yi is a gangster with a vicious look in his eyes. It is said that he once beat someone into the intensive care unit.
This laughter rekindled the fire that the head teacher had put out with great difficulty. He slammed the podium with all his strength, and I even had tinnitus.
I couldn’t hear clearly what they were saying. I just saw the head teacher’s mouth opening and closing a few times. Then Zuo Yi kicked the stool and left without even carrying his schoolbag.
That day, we delayed school by an hour and a half.
One day, Lin Xuyang, another classmate and I helped our class teacher move things.
As the four of us were on our way to the office, I heard people whispering in the back.
“Look, he’s the gay!”
That voice entered the ears of the four of us very clearly, because I saw Lin Xuyang and the head teacher both froze for a moment.
The head teacher said nothing.
After that, it got even worse.
Lin Xuyang’s name became “Hey, you gay bastard”, people ridiculed him to his face, and when he walked on the street he would be hit by flying Coke bottles or cans from nowhere.
I was behind him and I didn’t make any move.
One day in physical education class, the boys were practicing basketball.
Due to space limitations, we were divided into two groups. One group ran with the ball to the other side of the playground and then ran back, and then the other group repeated it.
I was in the second group and Lin Xuyang was in the first group, with Zuo Yi and his group.
Zuo Yi and his men relied on their numbers to surround him, and Lin Xuyang carefully avoided them.
When I returned, I saw Zuo Yi wink at me.
A group of people pushed him, and someone stabbed him hard from behind, and he fell down.
He fell to the ground and didn’t get up for a long time.
Zuo Yi and the others had already returned. I looked back and saw that he was still there. I heard a sneer, and then, as if it was contagious, a burst of laughter broke out in the crowd, mixed with a few sarcastic remarks.
“Look how badly he fell.”
“It’s just a fall, what’s the big deal? It’s obvious that it’s that.”
“He deserves a beating because he’s so hypocritical.”
“I owe you that, hahaha.”
No one came to help him.
The physical education teacher was called away by the dean of studies at that time, and I was the physical education committee member.
I hesitated for a moment, then took a step towards him.
When I got closer to him, I realized that it was not just a simple fall. There was a clear footprint on his socks, right on his ankle.
It hurts me just watching him, and I don’t know how he managed to keep it to himself.
I squatted down and helped him up.
This was my first time being in close contact with him, and I suddenly felt a little nervous.
His face was much paler than before, and he had lost weight. When I touched him, I just felt a skeleton.
I felt a little sad, but more of a strange feeling, as if an electric current was running through my whole body.
I suddenly felt a little embarrassed, but I didn’t show it on my face. I just pursed my lips and helped him back to the starting point.
When we reached the other end of the playground, the PE teacher had already returned. He looked at his watch and saw that the infirmary had already opened, so he asked Lin Xuyang to sit aside for a while and go back in the afternoon. He also specifically told me to take good care of the injured.
He nodded and said nothing.
After class, he limped behind, far away from the crowd, and because I had to pack up my equipment, I also lagged behind the crowd for a distance and walked not far behind him.
There were a few people between him and me, and I heard the rumors again.
“That’s the gay one, huh?”
“Yes, yes, look at him limping. Tsk tsk, I don’t know how happy he was last night.”
“Maybe he was doing something in the restroom just now. Aren’t homosexuals very chaotic?”
“Haha, yes, yes, yes. Just looking at his appearance, you can tell he’s been stabbed. He’s so skinny. What other man looks like him? I’m afraid he just had an orgasm, right?”
I saw that his pace quickened and he tried to walk like a normal person, even though it was so painful that he soon broke out in a cold sweat.
I suddenly became furious.
Emotions took control of my body before reason. I caught up with him in a few steps and grabbed his forearm.
I deliberately said loudly: “Your foot is so badly injured, walk slower.”
I thought this would shut up those idlers, but I didn’t expect that when they walked past us, they said in a mocking tone, “Isn’t that the one in the photo? A newcomer?”
My fire was ignited and I raised my clenched fist to swing it.
But my hand was held by his.
Then he let me go very unnaturally, with a faint smile on his face.
I heard him say to me – “Thank you.”
I haven’t heard him speak for a long time.
His voice changed.
Once upon a time, that voice was clear and anyone who heard it would know that the owner of the voice was the confident and bright Lin Xuyang who always had a smile on his face.
But now, the voice was full of fatigue, with a barely perceptible tremor. No one could guess Lin Xuyang’s name upon hearing it, but it clearly belonged to the walking corpse Lin Xuyang.
I suddenly felt sorry for him.
In the afternoon, he asked his class teacher for leave to go to the infirmary.
The head teacher hesitated for a moment and asked him, “How about… finding someone else to accompany you?”
He lowered his eyes and shook his head gently.
I was called to the office by my English teacher to recite a text, and I happened to hear their conversation.
The head teacher didn’t say anything more, just nodded, said “Goodbye, teacher”, and turned to leave the office.
I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. Although I looked calm on the outside, my heart was in a mess. I could even stutter when reciting the text that I had memorized so well.
I recited it several times, and it was not until the bell rang that I finally memorized it.
The head teacher had a class, so he packed up and walked out of the office. I watched the English teacher sign “pass” on the book and handed it to me. I quickly took it, ran out to catch up with the head teacher, and said, “Teacher, I’ll go with Lin Xuyang!”
When the head teacher heard this, his brows frowned.
“You…” He began and then stopped, looking me up and down.
The strange silence between us lasted for a while, and then he sighed and said, “Go ahead…”
When I ran to the stairs, he had just arrived there. When he saw me, he was stunned for a moment, smiled at me gently as a greeting, and then walked on his own.
I stepped forward and held him back: “The head teacher asked me to accompany you.”
He opened his mouth to say something, and I knew it was a rejection. I didn’t give him any more time to explain, and rushed downstairs, repeating as if to cover up my mistake: “It was my homeroom teacher who asked me to come.”
When I looked back, he was holding the railing and following me down the stairs. I could see that he was in a hurry and was trying hard to catch up with me.
I wanted to help him, but I stopped after taking a step.
“Go slowly, don’t get hurt.”
That’s all I said at last.
We arrived at the infirmary in almost silence.
I really want to say something to him, but I don’t know what to say.
I was so anxious that I was sweating all over.
When we arrived at the infirmary, the doctor obviously knew Lin Xuyang, and when he saw me, his expression became ambiguous again.
“You’re sweating so much that if you don’t know, you might think something happened to your girlfriend.”
Then the medical consultation started.
When Lin Xuyang lifted up his trouser legs, I realized that his ankles were swollen.
The doctors were surprised.
“Why is he injured so badly?”
He pressed it, and I heard Lin Xuyang take a hissing breath and clutch his pants tightly.
The doctor frowned and said, “No, you have to go to the hospital and take an X-ray to see if you have any fractures.”
Hearing this, Lin Xuyang wanted to get up, so I hurried over and supported him from behind. The posture was very ambiguous, and I seemed to smell the scent of jasmine on him.
He was clearly uncomfortable.
I quickly let go.
He stood up and said softly to the doctor: “Thank you.”
Then he turned around.
The doctor uttered “Ah” twice in the back.
“Why are you still going to class when you’re injured like this?”
Then he took out his cell phone.
“Which class?”
I glanced at Lin Xuyang, but he wasn’t looking at me.
“Class 5, Grade 2.”
He said softly.
The infirmary of our school has a booklet that records class information and includes the phone number of the class teacher, which makes it easy for the infirmary and the class teacher to get in touch quickly when something happens.
The doctor made the call.
“Hello, is this Mr. Li from Class 2-5? I’m Doctor Zheng from the infirmary. Lin Xuyang from your class might have a broken bone. It’s pretty serious. I suggest you go to the hospital.”
“Yes, then can we let this caregiver come and get the leave slip? Lin Xuyang’s legs and feet are not convenient, so let him stay here.”
“Okay, okay. Goodbye.”
After hanging up the phone, he tilted his head, looked at me, and raised his chin: “You, go get a note from your teacher.”
I said yes and went out.
I felt a little excited.
Lin Xuyang was injured, but there was no one around him, so I had to take him to the hospital.
But the head teacher only gave me a note and asked me to tell Lin Xuyang that he had already notified his parents and they would pick him up at the door in about half an hour.
I was a little disappointed. I was so excited that I even forgot about my parents.
When I returned to the infirmary, Lin Xuyang and the doctor were sitting together chatting. I couldn’t hear what they were talking about, but Lin Xuyang looked very relaxed. A beam of golden sunlight shone in from the window and sprinkled on him, fading the coldness and the feeling that could disappear at any time in him, and adding a sense of warmth and brightness.
The original Lin Xuyang seems to have returned a little.
When he saw me, Lin Xuyang still hadn’t taken away the smile on his face.
A smile that I was almost intoxicated by.
“Where’s the sick note?” the doctor asked.
“Here.” I handed it to him.
“Well, go ahead. Take your time. Don’t rush.” The doctor signed his name on the note and handed it to Lin Xuyang. He nodded to him and then looked at me: “Go back to class after I send you to the door. I’ll give you forty minutes. I’ll call your head teacher after forty minutes.”
“Um.”
Then we said goodbye to the doctor.
The distance from the infirmary to the gate was not far. Even at Lin Xuyang’s current speed, forty minutes was more than enough to go back and forth. So he did not rush like he did when he came, but walked slowly with me.
——”The head teacher said that your parents will pick you up at the gate in half an hour.”
——”Yes, thank you.”
silence.
——”Just now, you seemed to be having a very happy chat with the doctor.”
–“……Um.”
——”What are you talking about?”
——“……”
Awkward silence.
——”Uh, it’s okay if you don’t tell me, haha.”
We were almost silent all the way to the gate. His parents had already arrived and said thank you to me. I smiled and waved my hand and said it was my duty. After a few more pleasantries, the three of them left together.
When I returned to the classroom, rumors had already started about me.
But most people think that I contacted Lin Xuyang because of my position as Sports Commissioner, and some people even think that I was a responsible person.
Lin Xuyang took three days off.
Three days later, the rumors about me also subsided.
When Lin Xuyang came back, his foot was in a cast, and the head teacher moved my seat next to him.
They looked at me with either sympathy or watching the show, but I didn’t respond. I moved the table over with an expressionless face and greeted him with a smile.
With his return, what he was to suffer also returned.
I usually arrive on time, but he will arrive half an hour early.
Only one morning, I arrived at the classroom before Lin Xuyang.
It was also that morning that I found out that his desk was covered with notes every day telling him to die and calling him a male whore.
I can’t forget the shock I felt at that time.
I only heard it said once, and I thought it was only that time.
I forgot, how could they let Lin Xuyang go?
I slowly cleared the slips of paper and read each one.
I was so absorbed in staring at the pile of papers that I didn’t even notice his arrival.
By the time I realized it, he was already standing in front of me.
My first reaction was to hide all the papers behind me, then I stood up and walked out of the classroom.
I went to the toilet, tore up the paper and flushed it away with water.
When I returned to the classroom, he was already sitting in his seat and taking out his English to recite.
I returned to my seat and laid on the table with my eyes closed.
Every morning after that, I arrived before him.
I never let him see those notes again.
There will always be more contact when you sit at the same table.
The rumors started again.
It also reached my parents’ ears.
Lin Xuyang’s foot hasn’t fully recovered yet. Every day after evening self-study, I would send him out, and then his parents would go back with him.
Because we walked slowly, there was almost no one there when we came out.
That night, when Lin Xuyang and I were leaving the school, we saw my parents at the door.
This is rare because they are all busy and often I don’t even see one of them.
The two families exchanged a few words and then left.
Along the way, they kept asking me about Lin Xuyang.
I asked them why they came, and the reply I got was that they came to see me.
I roughly guessed what it was.
Later they tried me many times.
On the afternoon after the final exam of my second year of high school, my homeroom teacher pulled me into his office to listen to a lecture. It was nothing more than some nonsense about telling me to study hard, and he didn’t let me go until over an hour later.
I left the office with my head teacher. In order to avoid going with him, I said I needed to go to the bathroom, and then we parted ways.
When I was still some distance away from the toilet, I heard a loud noise. When I got closer, I saw two of Zuo Yi’s men guarding the toilet door.
I felt something was wrong and ran over quickly.
Two people at the door stopped me.
“Brother Yi is in there, Wu Jian, what are you doing? Hurry up and leave!”
I squeezed in thanks to my flexibility.
Then he saw Lin Xuyang being held by Zuo Yi’s men. His shirt was gone and his pants were half taken off. Zuo Yi was holding a trash can from the toilet and putting it on his head.
I felt as if all the blood in my body was flowing backwards. I didn’t care about anything anymore and picked up the mop and swung it on the back of Zuo Yi’s head.
He fell down.
My memory of what happened afterwards is very vague.
I don’t know how I got out of the toilet, and I don’t know what happened to Lin Xuyang. He was probably scared too.
That blow gave Zuo Yi a concussion.
My parents were furious and said that I was a bad student, engaged in homosexuality and fought.
I didn’t react to anything until I heard the word “gay”.
My nerves were stimulated.
I said you finally said it.
Yes, I am gay too.
Later, my parents took me to the hospital to visit Zuo Yi. They gave him flowers and a fruit basket with red RMB notes spread under the basket. They kept apologizing, paid for all the medical expenses, and stuffed him with a lot of red envelopes.
The school also gave me money, saying that if I transferred schools, they would not record this in my file. They agreed. Anyway, I would be a senior in the next semester, and they had wanted me to go abroad for a long time.
So after that fight, I never saw Lin Xuyang again.
Some time ago, I received an email with the title “Yuren Middle School Grade 2010 Class 5 Reunion” and the date was a week later on Saturday.
——Will Lin Xuyang go?
This was the first thought that came to my mind.
I opened my phone to check the messages and found that the class group that had been inactive for a long time had become active again.
Of course, Lin Xuyang was not included.
“Where’s Lin Xuyang?”
I typed these four words in the input box but didn’t send it out for a long time. I deleted them one by one, then typed “I can go” again and clicked send.
Will Lin Xuyang come?
Or, does Lin Xuyang know about this?
I pushed open the door of the private room. Most people had already arrived and I could roughly guess who was who.
But I didn’t find Lin Xuyang.
People were chatting at the table, talking about the past and the current situation.
I listened absentmindedly and responded with a few words here and there.
“Boring.” I thought so, but I didn’t dare to leave because I was afraid that Lin Xuyang would arrive halfway.
I kept glancing towards the door, but from beginning to end, I never saw the door being pushed open by Lin Xuyang.
Suddenly I heard someone at the table ask, “Do you still remember Lin Xuyang?”
The mood in the room seemed to drop a few degrees.
“I remember. I sent an invitation letter to the email address he left at high school, but I didn’t receive a reply. I don’t know if he received it.” The class monitor replied.
“But speaking of the past, Lin Xuyang was really fucking awesome when he was in his third year of high school.”
“Yeah, Mom beat up Zuo Yi on the first day of school in her senior year.”
I was startled and asked hurriedly, “What’s going on?”
The person who answered looked back at me.
“Oh, right, you don’t know.” He turned around and faced me.
“On the first day of school for Lin Xuyang’s senior year, he called a group of real gangsters to beat up Zuo Yi and then threw him into a trash can. They also wrote ‘revenge and warning’ on his body and took photos and posted them on the forum. Zuo Yi was really miserable this time, much worse than the one you hit him with. He had more than a dozen fractures all over his body, as well as soft tissue contusions and other things. He stayed in the hospital for a long time.”
“We didn’t know who was causing trouble at the time. Later, when the squad leader went to the hospital to visit Zuo Yi, he saw Lin Xuyang in Zuo Yi’s ward. Zuo Yi yelled at him, saying something like, ‘Don’t be so proud. You’ve made me like this now. I’ll kill you when I get better.’ Then I heard that Lin Xuyang laughed very scary and said, ‘You’d better kill me right away. Otherwise, I’ll make you more and more ruthless each time. Let’s see who can beat who and who can kill who first.’ Zuo Yi’s parents were there at the time. They seemed to be intimidated by Lin Xuyang’s attitude. In the end, the matter didn’t become a big deal. And after Zuo Yi came back, he always seemed to be avoiding him.”
“At that time, Lin Xuyang was very thin. He was thin to begin with, but he was even thinner than before. He looked completely different. His eyes were very bright, fierce and scary. He was not the original Lin Xuyang at all. We didn’t dare to talk to him at that time.”
I sneered in my heart. He is no longer the same as before. Don’t you know who caused this?
“Later, no one bothered him. They just avoided him. But he didn’t take the initiative to provoke anyone. At that time, there were a lot of romantic rumors about him. Wasn’t he… that one? There was actually a girl who came to our class and confessed to him, saying that she believed it was fake. Then, guess what Lin Xuyang said?” His eyes lit up.
–“What?”
“He said, no.”
“Isn’t this fucking confirmed?! Then the girl said he could try to get along with her, saying that he was on the wrong path and it wouldn’t last long, and advised him to get back on the right track.”
“Lin Xuyang’s expression suddenly changed, and then he said ‘get out’, which frightened me so much that tears came out.”
“Later, I heard that Lin Xuyang had someone he liked, but that person seemed to have left. He was still using his connections to look for that person, but I don’t know who it was, so some people said it was fake.”
I have mixed feelings.
Someone you like?
At that time, he already had someone he liked, and it seemed like he was deeply in love with her?
I suddenly found myself feeling redundant and funny, and then felt tired.
After dinner they wanted to go sing, but I declined, saying I had to work overtime the next day. I said goodbye to them and walked in the opposite direction.
“Wu Jian.”
Someone called my name from behind.
I once described that sound like this:
“The voice was clear and anyone who heard it would know that the owner of the voice was the confident and bright Lin Xuyang who always had a smile on his face.”
I turned around slowly.
His appearance has changed drastically.
With her bangs lifted up, she looks much more mature.
Wearing a casual suit, showing off her beautiful ankles.
It was obvious that she had been dressed up carefully.
There is still scholarly air in his gestures, but with a hint of sharpness.
I called his name softly, like a sigh.
“Lin Xuyang…”
He ran towards me and gave me a big hug with his arms open.
“You’re here…” I hugged him back, “They just went to…”
“I know.” He looked me in the eyes. “I came here because I wanted to see you.”
I don’t know what words to use to describe my feelings.
It’s like… like suddenly winning five million.
“Come with me.”
He took my hand and walked me to where he parked his car not far away.
He opened the passenger door and said, “Come in.”
I got in and he came in from the driver’s seat.
We stared at each other for a moment, and he spoke first.
“I…knew there was a party today, so I arrived early.”
“But I’m struggling with whether or not to go in.”
“I have been preparing myself mentally for a long time, and finally I feel that I have enough courage for both what happened in the past and for you.”
“But you showed up at this time. The moment I saw you, all my courage disappeared.”
“But I don’t want to miss this opportunity, so I’ll wait for you at the door.”
“I finally waited for you.”
“I’ve missed you so much in these ten years.”
“Mr. Wu Jian, are you willing to be Mr. Lin Xuyang’s boyfriend?”
“Yes,I do.”
P.S.
①
“What did you talk about with the doctor back then?”
Lin Xuyang smiled mysteriously.
“You never thought that the doctor was also gay.”
I was really surprised.
He pinched my face.
“He told me that he was also gay and told me not to be afraid. He had also experienced these things and knew how I felt. He asked me to make a choice – to stick to myself or to go with the flow.”
“You stood up for yourself.”
“Well, do you know why?”
“Um?”
“I was confused at the time. Do you know why the post was not updated? The man broke up with me. He was the one who proposed it. He said someone around him saw the post and he was afraid of a bad influence. He said that we should separate for a while, which would be good for both of us.”
He smiled, and there was a hint of coldness in his smile.
“When he brought me into this circle and said these things, I saw what kind of person he was. There was no point in dragging it out, so I agreed. After I went back, I deleted the contact information and threw away the things. I just felt very uncomfortable.”
“Then I started to get in touch with you.” He turned and looked at me. “You are different.”
His smile is like the warm sunshine in spring.
“I didn’t feel anything at the time. I just felt that you had no ill will towards me, and in my heart… I developed a little dependence on you.” He scratched his head a little embarrassedly.
“It wasn’t until the doctor told me, ‘That boy really likes you,’ that I realized what was going on.”
I blushed.
“Is it so obvious…”
He laughed twice: “You thought you hid it well, didn’t you?” He paused, “I suddenly understood your feelings. When I thought of you, I suddenly felt less lonely. Suddenly, I felt that I had courage. Then I understood my own thoughts, so I chose to stick to myself.”
②
“After all these years, I still recognize your back at a glance.”
——Lin Xuyang
“Even after so many years, I recognized him right away, just as he recognized me right away.”
“When our eyes met, I saw his eyes clearly saying, Fortunately you are here, fortunately I am here.”
“Mine too.”
——Wu Jian
③
“Your eyes are so bright, as if something is glowing inside them.”
“Can’t you see? You’re the only one in my eyes.”
——by Shen Qianlang
