Today I want to talk about my first love. It may not be considered a true love, but it was the first time I had emotional investment with a boy. For me, it has irreplaceable meaning in my life.
It was the time before the exams in the second semester of my freshman year. The early summer sun was getting hotter and hotter. A senior in my senior year invited me to his rental house. I didn’t know anything and I was new to the circle, so I went there without thinking. Of course, the senior wanted to have sex. At that time, I thought that men only had sex. I never thought that two men could fall in love with each other, let alone get married and live together. At that time, I thought that two men having sex was driven by desire, which was sinful and dark, but it attracted me.
I went to the senior classmate’s place. He was not my type, a little bit effeminate. I thought he should be a 0, but he wanted to find me, a 0. I couldn’t understand it. We chatted and watched TV. I had no intention of having sex with him, nor did I want to leave. At that time, I just wanted to stay with him and didn’t want to go back to the dormitory. The senior classmate didn’t want to chase me away, and he couldn’t satisfy his desire, so he called his “brother” to come over. His brother is a 1, a pure 1, which means that he himself will definitely be a 0. He did this because he wanted to satisfy his desire and he wanted me to leave.
I waited for his brother to come without knowing what was going on. A boy who looked a bit rustic pushed the door open. He looked ordinary, but not effeminate at all. He was a typical rural boy. He didn’t talk much, but his expression was very cute. Especially when he looked at me, he looked a little embarrassed, but with a kind smile. I still didn’t leave, so the senior suggested that the three of us start playing cards. I had some feelings for his brother, so I was more determined to stay, regardless of my face. Our minds were not on the cards. I was like a fangirl and kept staring at his brother, but he always responded to me. This kind of secret flirting was really great. We played cards for a long time, and the senior was a little impatient. He said that they had a graduation dinner in the evening and asked his brother if he wanted to go. Of course, he didn’t ask me. I thought it was natural. It was my first time meeting him, and we were not familiar with each other. We didn’t even go to bed. Our relationship was just that of strangers on the Internet. The senior liked his brother very much, but his brother didn’t like him but couldn’t bear to give up his kindness to him, so a deformed “brotherly” relationship that is common in the gay circle was formed. I was mentally prepared. If they were going to have dinner, I would go back. After all, I just had a good impression of his brother and had never thought about what would happen between us. Just as I was waiting for the verdict with some disappointment, his brother said he didn’t want to go and looked up at me again. Was this a hint? I was a little excited at the time. The senior said that it would be bad to say no if there was a party, so he asked his brother again if he was going, and his brother shook his head. I had to take the initiative to say: Senior, you go, I will help you take care of him. In fact, I can’t remember what I said at the time. Anyway, the senior went to the party, and there were only two of us left in his room.
It was awkward for two people to sit in the empty room. I was a little nervous and he was a little shy. However, I still asked him what his name was in a trembling voice. He said his name was Bo, and the topic slowly started in the awkwardness. After chatting for a long time, Bo finally said that he was a little tired and wanted to lie on the bed. He asked me if I wanted to join him. I seemed to be a little tired because I was too excited. At this moment, I was tired even if I was not tired. Lying on the bed, we continued to chat. I don’t remember what we talked about. I only remember that the episode “June Rain” of “The Legend of Sword and Fairy” was playing on the senior’s computer. It was June at that time. I felt that the song was very romantic. I took the initiative and reached out to his hand to touch his fingertips. He didn’t avoid it, but responded to me and held my fingers tightly. It turned out that he not only felt my autumn eyes, but also had a good impression of me. Under the influence of the song, I boldly turned my head and kissed him on the face. It was the feeling of electric shock. The whole person was numb. This feeling should be like a fairy. He did not refuse, and turned his head to the side, staring into my eyes. Time stood still for 5 seconds at that moment, or maybe longer, and his lips kissed mine. This was my first time kissing a man. I had hooked up before, but never kissed. It tasted sweet. Bo must be an old hand. His tongue began to extend into my mouth, and I could only cooperate foolishly. I would fight back in the same way he did. I don’t know how long we kissed, but my saliva had already wet the senior’s pillow. His hand reached for my crotch… The whole process was as painful as before, but my heart was warm. For the first time, I found spiritual comfort in sex. I found that the other person was not so annoying after sex, and sex was not so disgusting. After it was over, he still held my hand tightly and kissed me from time to time. I was very moved. It was the first time I felt the love of a man.
As the sky gradually darkened, we lingered until dinner time. I asked him what he wanted to eat. I still remember that he bought cold noodles, potatoes, and two cans of Sprite. He was very satisfied with my hospitality, and I also felt that it was the first time I was willing to spend so much money on an online friend. Now think about it, what was that? At that time, we were both very happy. In the evening, the senior came back, and we both pretended that nothing had happened. I said I was going back to school, but Bo kept me, and the senior couldn’t refuse. In the evening, the senior said that he wanted to sleep in the middle, and if he slept on the side, he would fall under the bed at night, and we couldn’t say anything. Sleeping on both sides of the senior, our two hearts were together. The senior wanted to touch me, and I refused firmly. If I didn’t have someone I liked, I would compromise and satisfy him, but at this moment, except Bo, my heart couldn’t accommodate anyone else. He should have touched Bo, and the answer he got was the same. On an early summer night, three men, lying on a bed, wanted to do many things, but couldn’t do anything.
It was very late at night, and I hadn’t fallen asleep yet. The call of the senior had already sounded, and what kind of mood would Bo be in at the moment? Not long after, on the other side of the bed, Bo passed his hand through the senior and touched my face. I held his hand, as a response, and he pulled me to the other side of the bed. In the dark night, I followed Bo’s hand to the other side of the bed. The senior’s feet were between us, but it seemed that it couldn’t stop us from hugging each other. Passing the senior’s feet, he rested my head on his arm, and his hands were tightly intertwined with my fingers. In the dark, two people in love can only communicate through fingers, but it is so beautiful.
I don’t know when, we finally fell asleep because we were too tired. I woke up at noon the next day. The senior’s feet were gone, and I was lying in Bo’s arms. I looked at this boy carefully, every part of him was so beautiful, and he was so cute even when he was sleeping. I couldn’t help it, I gently kissed him on the forehead. Bo opened his eyes lazily, and found that his hand, which had been numb after I slept on it all night, had already gone numb. He endured the pain and put his lips close to mine.
The senior left a note on the table: I’m back to school. He didn’t wake us up. He saw us hugging each other, and he must have left with sadness and tolerance. Since then, I haven’t seen the senior again, nor have I heard Bo mention him again.
After lunch, Bo wanted to go back, so I saw him off. It took half an hour to walk from the old district to the new district. We were full of affection and smiled at each other. The sunshine along the way splendidly illuminated our youth. Finally, we were about to reach the bus stop. We were reluctant to leave, but I didn’t have the courage to ask for anything. I didn’t dare to ask for his phone number, where he lived, or say I liked him. Seeing that the bus was about to come, I was sweating profusely. He smiled when he saw me and asked me to stretch out my hand. I stretched out my hand obediently, and he held my hand, while his other hand was drawing something on my palm. It was a number, his mobile phone number, but I didn’t remember it at all. He also said with a sly smile: This is my number, if you remember it, contact me, if you don’t remember it, then our fate ends here. He turned and ran towards the bus, and I stood there stupidly, my mind was in a mess, I really couldn’t remember any of the numbers he had in his palm, the first number was definitely 1, and I didn’t know what was after that. Looking at his running back, I was at a loss, and tears were actually rolling in my eyes. I just moved towards the bus woodenly, just wanting to take one last look at him. This circle of 419 ended like this, and we would never meet again. He sat by the window, waved and said goodbye to me who was about to cry. The bus started to move slowly, and at this moment, my tears ran down my face along with the sweat. I cried for this man who I had just known for one night. What happened? My eyes were blurred with tears, and my vision could no longer focus. There was a blurred mosaic in front of my eyes. It ended like this. Although this one-night stand was a little different, it was still a one-night stand. My tears burst out at this moment, and I squatted on the side of the road with my head in my arms and began to cry. At this moment, I felt so helpless. I fell in love, but I couldn’t get it, and I will never get it again. I feel that I have never been so sad in 19 years. The beauty is really too short. God let us know each other, why doesn’t he let us fall in love?
Just when I was crying so hard that my nose and tears were mixed together, a text message suddenly came to my phone. I clicked it feebly: “Silly boy, I wrote down your phone number last night. Bo.” Seeing this message, I jumped up with excitement, crying and laughing, not caring at all about the surprised looks of my classmates passing by. The tears were still flowing, but at this moment, they were sweet.
