From the beginning, I knew that Wei was not G, because he already had a girlfriend in a stalemate in the first semester of freshman year. She was a charming girl, petite and lovely.
Wei and I became good friends because of basketball. We were both good basketball players. The “bang bang” sound of basketball hitting outside the window was simply soul-stirring. If we didn’t go out and sweat, we couldn’t live in peace. But at that time we were just good friends. Even when we were close defense on the court, our arms were covered with sweat, or when we were taking a bath in the school public bath, I never had any reverie or strange feelings. In a word, he didn’t make me fall in love.
As a good friend, of course I like him, otherwise what is the basis for being good? But the distance between liking and loving is sometimes very subtle. Although the boundary is clear, one step forward means death, and one step back means life. That’s it. Some friends can be together for a lifetime, but you only stay on this side of the boundary and will never cross the line. But sometimes, crossing the line is just a matter of a flash of thought, and perhaps without even realizing it, someone has quietly entered the world of love. You can’t refuse, but can you accept it? !
It was a weekend evening. A few of us were playing on the court, shouting and yelling. Then we saw Xiao Luo, one of our friends, coming in with his head down. Everyone said, “Where did you go to pick up girls?” They laughed at him, “How much water do you need? You look so listless…”
Xiao Luo ignored them all and sat on the sidelines without changing his clothes, as if he had no intention of playing. Everyone could see that something had happened to him, so they gathered around and asked him what happened.
It turned out that Xiao Luo had just come back from the Internet cafe and was bullied by a group of hooligans. We asked, did you just watch them snatch your ball? Xiao Luo was frustrated and said anxiously, “There are five or six of them. What do you want me to do?” At
this time, Wei threw the basketball in his hand to the ground hard, and the ball immediately flew far away. He said, “Too arrogant! Even if we accept the cell phone and the money, how can we swallow this anger? Let’s go!”
So he waved his hand aggressively without saying anything, without changing his clothes, like a general on the battlefield, and we all followed him, one after another. Most of these dozen people were about 1.8 meters tall, and they looked quite majestic. However, when Wei led our angry group of people to rush into the Internet cafe, there were no hooligans waiting there to be beaten? We had to return in defeat.
Despite this, Wei’s momentum at that time captured me. Maybe every boy has a complex of advocating heroism and yearning for chivalry in his heart. Anyway, at that moment, my heart began to be uneasy. Of course, I knew what was wrong with me, very clearly.
Wei and I were not in the same dormitory, so every day when we went to the stadium, Wei would shout at the door of my dormitory, “Let’s go!” This shout was common in the past. It’s different now. It’s as if my internal organs have been yanked. A sense of pain will spread all over my body immediately. Because I know that Wei will not belong to me. He is not in my world, and I can’t enter his world. Gradually, whenever I see him,
I have no way to escape the pain. Even if I can choose to give up my basketball career, I can’t give up the classroom. Whenever I enter the classroom, it seems that Wei is everywhere. When I was in the same room with him, I felt like I was struggling in purgatory. I looked calm on the surface, but I was miserable inside. If I don’t explode in silence, I will die in silence. I don’t want to die, but I also know that I don’t have the authorization to explode. After the explosion, I will encounter either a volcano or a tsunami. I can’t escape the disaster caused by the explosion. I can only wander in it.
Concentrating hatred against the setting sun, I miss you, but you don’t know. Wei didn’t notice all this. But he still felt my change. That day at noon in the cafeteria, he sat next to me and asked me why I didn’t play ball. I made up an excuse to perfunctorily. He believed it. But I was actually looking forward to his questioning, which would force me to reveal my thoughts under “no choice”. Yes, I really had a desire to confess at this time! He asked mysteriously: “Brother, tell me the truth, I can see it all…”
My heart suddenly trembled. Could it be that he had seen through me? Impossible, he would never be so vicious. Even if he was well versed in Zhuge Liang’s past, he might not be able to see through people’s minds. I had not been caught by him at all. Covering up my panic, I said, “What did you see?”
“You are so bitter and resentful. If I’m not mistaken, your love life has failed, right? Go and pour out your troubles to your buddies, but don’t let yourself get depressed.” Wei picked up two pieces of braised pork from my lunch box and stuffed them into his mouth, saying, “You know, I feel so bored when I don’t see you playing basketball these days. I always want to pass the ball to you, but I can’t find you. I feel out of control. Hey, for my sake, you have to solve the problem as soon as possible.”
I smiled and said nothing. I didn’t want to say anything because I couldn’t. Although the desire to confess was still clamoring in my mind. He asked: “Who is that girl? Is she from the department or did you get her from outside? Do you want me to deal with her…” At this moment, I suddenly had a desperate idea. Maybe confessing my feelings can put an end to the troubles and pain in my heart, or at least change my mood. So, I didn’t think about it anymore and said, “Tonight, I’ll send you a message.”
Wei listened and hit me on the head with the handle of the spoon, “Are you shy?”
Shy? Right, I can’t say it anyway. Fortunately, in the technological age, there are mobile phones that can send messages, and everything can be done behind the scenes, avoiding the embarrassment when facing it. I was confused the whole afternoon. I was sitting in the classroom, but my mind had long been free. I asked myself again and again in my heart, should I confess? Is there a reason why I have to say it? The answer is: No. I knew that I had chosen a narrow dead end and would have to go back with a bruised face and bloodied head. But if I kept silent like this, I was afraid that I would not be able to hold on and would collapse!
So, I strengthened myself and decided to make a desperate move!
Lying in bed at night, holding my phone in my hand, I began to hesitate again. Is it worth it to make such a desperate move? If I can’t even be friends with Wei in the future, I will undoubtedly regret it! I don’t want to lose him so much, whether as a friend or as a lover! While I was still trying to weigh the pros and cons, Wei’s message came, and the not-so-loud alert sound scared me enough!
Wei –
buddy, what’s going on?
Me –
you’re right, I suffered a Waterloo. 9
Wei –
who is so blind? With such a good-looking man, how dare she suffer a Waterloo with me? I’m not a girl, otherwise I would chase you to death. Haha! Who is that girl? How about I talk to her.
Me – :
Not a girl, he is… my good friend, a boy. -Wei
–
Are you kidding?
Me –
No! He is really my buddy.
Wei –
Have you loved him for a long time?
Me –
No. Falling in love with someone is a matter of a moment. Remember the day we went to the Internet cafe? At that moment on that day, just like the basketball he threw on the ground, “bang”, I began to love him!
I think after I sent these words, they should be like bombs, blooming in front of Wei’s eyes. I don’t know how he was blown up, at least I can feel some tremors, which made my mind go blank. And there was a 36-minute gap in our text conversation. 36 minutes is less than the time of a class, but it is as long as my life. Later, the 36-minute gap was like a plaster, permanently attached to my life time, and there was no way to tear it off.
36 minutes later, Wei’s text message finally came. For me, it was a salvation, otherwise I would suffocate.
Wei –
Ha, that’s it. Can you be sure that it is love? When the relationship between brothers deepens, it may give you an illusion…
I –
I really hope it is an illusion, but it is not.
Wei –
As expected, have you realized that such love will not have any result
? I – ; `
Need I say it? There is already a girl by his side. (
Wei –
Maybe it’s not wrong to love him, but it’s also not wrong for him not to love you. Right? .I
–
Yes, I know. So I feel like I can’t find a way out, I’m desperate!
At this time, my tears have been flowing down unconsciously. Later I learned that he also shed tears after reading my text message. He said that the word “desperate” hurt him, and suddenly he felt a kind of confusion that he could empathize with me.
Wei – .How
much do you love him?
I
don’t know.
At this time, our messages paused for a moment. For me, I didn’t feel relaxed at all. As he said, “Such love will not have any results.” Although I know this is inevitable, I am still unwilling to accept it, so the pain has not been relieved by the full disclosure just now. How much do you love him? I really don’t know, or I don’t know what language to use to express it. Whether it is general or specific, I think any language will appear pale and powerless.
But maybe I drafted a sentence involuntarily, and sent it out…
I don’t know what kind of reaction Wei will have after reading it. Maybe he will have mixed feelings, sometimes bored, disgusted, and disgusted… Anyway, after reading my WeChat, he didn’t reply again. Leaving me with a suspense of the same mixed feelings. “
The content of my last message was –
How much do I love him? I have the urge to go to a hotel with him!
It was already four o’clock in the morning, and it was still early spring. There was no dawn outside the window, but a new day had arrived. I didn’t know how to face Wei in the new day. We used to be close friends, laughing and joking, playing and fighting, without any worries, and confused. After this night, our relationship has changed subtly. At least I can’t get along with him as before. Those days are gone forever, and we can’t go back to the past!
I didn’t sleep all night.
The next day, I saw Wei with red eyes. In fact, he didn’t sleep all night either. I was very upset for his eyes that looked tired due to lack of sleep. It was like a revelation that if I was asked how much I loved him, the so-called hotel The impulse was just a formality. Now the discomfort caused by him was the most vivid content.
I avoided Wei on purpose. Not to mention that I had stopped playing basketball, I also refused to look at him in the classroom. Even when I went to the cafeteria to eat, I would avoid the peak meal time. I guessed that he had left before I arrived. But Wei didn’t look any different, as if nothing had happened. It seemed so to others, but only the two of us knew that something had happened. His bloodshot eyes that day were proof of that. Was he just holding on?
Every day when I went to play basketball, he would still shout at the door of my dormitory, “Let’s go!” When I heard this, endless sadness came over me like a tide. I could only grit my teeth and hold back the sadness. Then, I said in a relaxed manner, “No, the drama club has an event…” /
He could have exposed my lie, but he didn’t. He patted me on the shoulder and said, “Okay, then, Best Actor…”
I can’t drink much. Maybe it’s natural. A bottle of beer can make me lose my mind. During that period, I was lost every day. I rarely went to class, and when it came time for exams, I had to make up more than half of my homework, which made my head teacher shake his head.
At this time, the only thing I was interested in was participating in the activities of the drama club. Whenever I was rehearsing, I could always enter the role effortlessly. I hoped that I could live in other people’s emotions, lives, and life, and never come out. Of course, this is impossible. The rehearsal of the drama is just a fragment of my life. More often than not, I will return to myself, no matter how reluctant I am. Sometimes I would rather follow my character to the mountains of swords and seas of fire, to be buried at the end of the world, and take away all traces of me in this world, as if I had never been here! That is still impossible. The character died, but I am still alive. I am not as lucky as the character. All I can do is use intoxication to blur my sobriety!
That day, Wei came to my dormitory, and I was half drunk and half awake on the bed. He pushed my arm and said, “How long do you plan to keep embarrassing yourself like this? Everything has its time…” (
No matter how big or small the grudge is, it comes from love! I didn’t open my eyes completely, and all I saw was his hazy face. I didn’t know why I felt a sense of hatred. I looked at him sideways and suddenly said,
“Fuck you, get out! It’s none of your business whether I’m embarrassed or not!” /
Wei was stunned. He stared at me in surprise for a long time, then turned and left without saying anything. I looked at his back and suddenly became completely sober. I thought I must have hurt him, and he had deleted me from his world from then on. But could I delete him successfully? Obviously not. So I had to indulge myself.
But Wei was not as fragile as I thought. He did not let me get hurt. He was strong.
It was a weekend evening. Because the drama club really had an event, I saved the beer. For me, only the drama club’s activities could make me give up getting drunk. Wei and I met at the entrance of the cafeteria. He queued up before me, then bought two meals and nodded to me who was in the back, “I have something to tell you.” I thought his two meals were for his girlfriend, but I didn’t see that girl today. I followed him to find a seat and sat down, and then we started to eat in silence. Speechless. Since he had something to say, I just waited for him to say it. But he didn’t say it. If he didn’t say it, I wouldn’t ask. 8Eating
with him like this, I had no appetite at all. Although he ordered the fried scallion knife fish and jicai noodles that I usually like to eat, I couldn’t mobilize my appetite. I stuffed the food into my mouth mechanically, but it tasted like chewing wax. Finally, he finished eating, but he didn’t move. It was obvious that he was about to say something, but he seemed to be hesitating. He inserted his fingers into his hair for no reason. For a long time, I felt tired for his arm hanging in the air. Maybe he also felt something was wrong, so he put his hand back on the table, cleared his throat, and said casually, “Tonight… let’s go get a room.” /
I know that he spent a lot of effort to say this, otherwise he wouldn’t have worked so hard. His “chivalrous” behavior is not what I want, even though I yearn to spend even a minute with him in a space that belongs only to the two of us. But the premise is that we must own each other. But this is too much for him, he can’t do it. Since he can’t do it, why should I force it? !
I said: “No, the drama club has an event tonight…” ; v,
Wei said: “The activity will end before nine o’clock. I will wait for you at the hotel entrance at nine o’clock. Remember, it is the Tianyi Hotel opposite the gymnasium.” After saying that, he got up and left. He really put a lot of thought into it and tagged all the hotels.
The drama club is preparing to rehearse a scene from the absurdist drama “Waiting for Godot”. In the evening, we all gathered in the auditorium to talk about the script first, and then discuss the distribution of roles. From beginning to end, I didn’t listen to what everyone said. All I could think about was Wei’s words: “Tonight… let’s go get a room.” I seemed to be in a vacuum. The only connection with reality was that I had to check the time every few minutes to see how long it would take to nine o’clock.
Later, the scripts began to be distributed. When the president handed the script to me, he said: “You have a lot of lines, but you must finish them within three days, and then rehearse them. Rehearsal after a week. ” ;
I stared at him blankly, totally unaware of what was going on. The amount of lines I had? Does that mean I had gotten an important role? But I didn’t hear anything. All I heard was the words “Tonight… let’s go get a room.” But I still nodded to the president. After he walked away, I hurriedly asked the classmates around me what role I had gotten. The classmates thought I was trying to seduce him, and refused to answer at first. Later, seeing my eagerness, they said with some jealousy, “The big protagonist, Didi.”
The gymnasium is right next to our school.
I have an impression of the small hotel called “Tianyi”, because there is a steamed bun shop next to it, which is opened by my fellow townsman. I often go there to eat the hometown-style meat steamed buns, which are economical and suitable for student consumption. It
was just after nine o’clock when I arrived at “Tianyi”. The indescribable color of the lighting made the facade of the small hotel look very dreamy. But there was no sign of Wei here. Has he gone in? He shouldn’t have. After I determined that there was indeed no one like him outside the door, I entered the hotel. There was a fat middle-aged man watching TV there. When he saw me come in, he said, “Stay in the hotel? ” , j’ Y!
I smiled noncommittally and asked, “Has a boy who looks like a college student just moved in?”
The man shook his head, “Just now? No.”
Knowing that Wei had not moved in, I backed out. He should not have come yet, so I had to stand outside and wait. It was the chilly spring season, and the nights in the northeast were still very cold. I hugged my arms and leaned against the wall.
Ten minutes passed, and there was still no sign of Wei. I took out my phone to see if there was any message from him, but the phone was out of battery and had turned off automatically. Holding the phone in my hand, I thought of the “Waiting for Godot” we were going to rehearse. The role I played, Didi, was waiting for Godot who could bring him hope. In reality, I am waiting for my good friend Wei. Didi is waiting for hope, what am I waiting for? I can’t explain it clearly myself.
As I was daydreaming, ten minutes, half an hour, and an hour passed, but Wei still didn’t show up. I thought he might be stuck with something and couldn’t get away for the time being, but according to his character, he would never regret it. I firmly believed that he would show up, just as Didi firmly believed that Godot would show up. I glanced at the dormant phone. Even if the phone had power, could I call Wei? If I did, there was a public phone next to me. Should I urge him? Urge him to come and get a room with me? No, I still want to be reserved. After all, we are brothers. In the days to come, we will continue our friendship. If I appear too frivolous, I will have less confidence in being friends in the future
. But I am still a little frustrated. If the phone had power, I should at least receive Wei’s call and he would tell me the reason for being late.
Wei didn’t come.
I never waited for him to come, just like Didi never waited for Godot to come. By midnight, I seemed to believe that Beckett’s “Waiting for Godot” was not absurd, because the so-called absurdity is usually beyond reality, and doesn’t such waiting exist in reality!
But in fact, that night, Wei was also waiting for me in another place, but because my mobile phone was out of power, he couldn’t contact me, so we both played the role of waiting. And the place where he was waiting for me was in front of a small hotel called “Tianyi”. The reason for the mistake was that Wei had said that the hotel was opposite the gymnasium, and the gymnasium was round, and the surroundings were all opposite. Tianyi and Tianyi, one word different, but one south and one north, made us stand in the cold wind for half a night.
When I returned to school, I was already shivering in the cold wind. Knowing that the school was closed, I walked with my head down while thinking about how to get in. At this time, I heard the hurried footsteps behind me, which felt familiar. I looked back and saw that it was Wei. He complained to me, “Why did you turn off your phone?!”
After we knew the whole story, I was so cold that I chattered my teeth and said, “This is God’s will…”
He looked at me and asked, “Is it so cold?”
I nodded, “Cold.” He
was about to take off his jeans. I stopped him, worried that he would be cold too.
He insisted on taking them off and said, “You are so cold…”
I looked at him, pondered for a moment, and whispered, “Warm me up…”
He hesitated and said, “Come here.”
I leaned over and he immediately held me in his arms.
It was the first time I felt him so close. In fact, all the previous contacts could be summarized as unconscious. But now my consciousness is active, knowing that the person hugging me is not the ball I used to fight for on the basketball court, nor is he my best friend who snatched good food from me. He is a boy I love deeply! So, everything about him, his breath, his heartbeat, his body temperature, is so fresh and so kind to
me. I feel sad. Although it was warm, I knew that for me, this kind of hug might be the only one in this life. (
Wei felt my sadness and said, “Brother, I’m so sorry! Really. Do you believe me? If I can do it, I will do it at the risk of my life!”
I nodded, “I do! I know what you can and cannot do, and I won’t make it difficult for you…” 2
Wei sighed, “But I feel bad to disappoint you so much!”
“I said, this is God’s will.”
“Let’s make a promise. If there is an afterlife, we will start over, and then I will definitely love you well…”
I tried my best to hold back, but I couldn’t help it, and tears gushed out.
Wei hugged me tighter and said, “Brother, you know, I took a good shower today and changed my clothes from inside to outside, just like fresh out of the oven. I just wanted to give myself to you cleanly, but who would have thought that something would go wrong…”
We just stood by the road like this. I wish time would freeze at this moment. If there is such a thing as eternity in the world, then let this moment be eternal! My tears have been wet. Wei
took out his cell phone. I thought he was checking the time. It was late. We should find a way to get into the school. I said, “Let’s go back.”
He held me with his left arm and fiddled with his cell phone with his right hand. “Don’t move…” he said.
I didn’t know what he was going to do. After a while, he moved my shoulder and wiped the tears off my face. Then he showed me his cell phone and said, “You said, ‘It only takes a moment to fall in love with someone’, right?”
I saw that the message I sent him that night was displayed on the screen. What did he mean by flipping it out? 3D
said: “I wonder if I fell in love with you at the moment we embraced…” (
I was speechless! .He
said again: “Brother, you are so domineering that you captured me…” %
By the mottled lights on the street, I saw his eyes staring at me brightly. He said: “You know, now I also have an impulse.”
“What?”
He said shyly: “Let’s get a room.”
I asked: “Don’t you regret it?”
He listened and smiled evilly: “Maybe you will know after trying it…”
I couldn’t hold it in anymore, and I burst into laughter. Looking around, it was already deep in the night, and everything was quiet and there was no one. I said: “Then let’s give it a try…
