In early summer of 2009, I graduated from college.
Fortunately, in this era, when many people were still worried about finding a job, I was lucky enough to pass the civil service exam. During the summer vacation, the last two months of vacation, I used it to play a huge joke on life because I entered the circle.
By accident, after graduation, my class monitor and I went to see our counselor, mainly to collect our diplomas.
Along the way, the squad leader talked to me about gay things.
When I got home, I went online to the forum and added QQ.
From then on, I started to hang out in this circle.
After surfing the Internet for two months, I came to this city on the last day of August.
And met him now.
This way of getting to know each other is probably commonly used by many gays.
I first saw him on QQ.
I don’t know when he added me, but when I was bored and looking through my QQ friends from beginning to end, his photo attracted me.
I went into his space and saw a lot of his photos.
Indeed, I believe that anyone who likes men will definitely like him.
He is mature, handsome and charming.
It’s a pity that my thoughts were too simple at the time, otherwise so many things would not have happened later.
I will talk about these things later.
yes?
Am I no exception?
As soon as I saw him, I was attracted to him.
The feeling of a deer running around in my heart was the first time in my life.
So, I chatted with him online.
On Sunday, I couldn’t wait and rushed to his city.
Otherwise, why do people say that people who are inexperienced in the world are naive and simple?
One has to go through a lot in life before becoming mature.
No one is exempt from this.
Especially in relationships, only after being hurt do you know what love is.
The car arrived very quickly and he picked me up at the station.
At that time, I was waiting for him at the main entrance of the station. He walked up from behind me, and I didn’t realize it was him until he appeared in front of me.
Let me tell you about my first impression of him: he looks exactly like in the photo, and even more handsome! To be more precise, at first, my impression of him was 85 points, but after meeting him, it became 100.
Really, I am not exaggerating when I say that from the moment I saw him, I can say with certainty that he is the person I have always dreamed of.
It was past 7 o’clock and he invited me to dinner.
We sat opposite each other. Maybe I was too bad at hiding myself. I really liked him, so I kept looking at him even while eating.
There was still a smile on his face that I couldn’t tell whether it was a sullen look or a happy one.
Anyway, I kept smiling.
Later, he told me that he didn’t eat well at dinner that day because he said my eyes were too sharp.
He thought I was looking for something in his face.
I said, just watch it.
Who made you so handsome?
Later I realized that only people with something to hide would act that unnatural.
But to be honest, if someone kept staring at me, I wouldn’t be able to eat.
Let’s get back to business. I was so focused on his face that I almost forgot to eat.
He finished eating, and I said I was full and wasn’t hungry anyway, haha.
Actually, I was too hungry and didn’t feel hungry anymore.
On the way back, he saw that I hadn’t eaten, so he went to Kedi and bought a few buckets of instant noodles, saying that I could eat them if I was hungry in the evening.
Wow, this man is really thoughtful and caring.
Later I found out that this was actually his biggest shortcoming.
When he was buying things, I felt that he was full of energy and looked very cool! Haha.
It was then that I realized what it meant that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
Really, he was perfect in my eyes at that time.
Later, he frankly told me about his inseparable love story with his BF Xiaoxiao:
I have always been full of fantasy in my life.
I have always wanted to find someone who loves me and whom I love.
Really, it’s not that I have high standards, it’s just that it’s very difficult to find someone like this in one’s lifetime.
Maybe I was lucky, because in the end, I found it.
But I am also unfortunate, because I have wasted a lot of time.
Including causing myself the biggest trouble.
I am a person who likes ambiguity and likes to be nice to everyone.
But later I found out that this inability to say no caused me a lot of trouble in my future life, and made the person I loved most always quarrel with me over these trivial matters.
I entered this circle when I was 30 years old.
I am married, but I can’t get the pleasure I want from my wife.
Only then did I realize that what I like is men.
I like to see a man’s body shape. I like men who are thin and small, but not too small?
Want to be shorter than me?
The body shape should be a bit of an inverted triangle, and most importantly, it must be in harmony with me.
Maybe in the eyes of others, I am a bad person because during this period, I had relationships with many people.
After I started to enter the circle, I met someone in Guangdong due to business reasons.
After that, he came back with me and became my first BF.
We were together for about ten years.
During this period, I opened a bar and a disco, but unfortunately, he and I were both too good at spending money and poor at management, so I lost all the money I had earned before.
I had a fight with my wife + our relationship is still pretty good.
As long as I ask, my wife will give it to me.
In the end, my BF and I broke up due to personality and other reasons.
The most common thing among homosexuals is sex.
He and I are of the same kind, so we are not in harmony.
Therefore = in the end, I have more of a responsibility to him.
I consider myself a good person. As long as the other party doesn’t mention breaking up, I won’t mention it. But later I realized that it is extremely unfair to other people.
Xiaoxiao’s hard work made me realize that this is not an advantage.
On the contrary, it is a disadvantage.
When we were about to separate, I went to another place to open my own branch. During the preliminary preparations, I met a local netizen.
This netizen later became my second BF without me realizing it.
It is him who makes me feel that my life is boring.
Because of him, I became depraved. Because of him, I knew what I loved most in this world.
I really regret why I gave him everything I had, even all my money.
I asked him for living expenses every month, so much so that Xiaoxiao even thought I was being servile.
Because I am not good at managing money, as soon as I have money, I will want to go to the bar and find brothers.
So, when I got to know this online friend, to be honest, I didn’t like him, but because he was nice to me, slowly, I accepted him and even gave him the key to my house.
Because I bought a house in another city and lived alone, and went back home twice a week, so I gave him a copy of the key to the house that belonged to me.
After knowing him for three years, I gave all my property to him for safekeeping. But later I found that whenever I wanted to use the money to do business, I needed his permission. Whenever I wanted to go out and see if there was any business I could do, I needed him to accompany me. I completely lost my freedom in life.
Yes, Xiaoxiao is right. He said that people like me are just cheapskates.
So after finding him, we had no choice but to make do.
I need some money and have to ask him for it.
So much so that in the early days of knowing Xiaoxiao, he was the one who paid for everything, which made me feel very embarrassed.
Xiaoxiao asked me to go shopping, but I didn’t dare to go because I had no money in my pocket.
I know Xiaoxiao will pay me, but I don’t want to use his money because I am his husband and he has already given a lot for me, and I don’t want to use him a lot more financially.
During the National Day, Xiaoxiao came to see me.
But I know that person is in my home.
Xiaoxiao still doesn’t know a lot of things.
It’s not that I wanted to hide it from him on purpose, but there are many things I don’t know how to explain to Xiaoxiao.
Xiaoxiao came to find me. We had no home to return to. I knew it was all my own fault, so we had no choice but to wander around.
Xiaoxiao said, he means nothing to me.
I said, consider her my wife.
He said, what kind of wife is she?
Your wife can’t enter your house and can only stay in a hotel.
People like us couldn’t act uprightly anymore, and now we can’t even act uprightly. We finally have a long vacation, but we can only run around outside every day, thinking about where to take shelter.
I know that I owe Xiaoxiao a lot, and I have caused him a lot of injustice.
But I really have no choice.
I have proposed breaking up with him, and more than once, but every time, he said he wanted to go traveling after breaking up, and after returning from the trip, he never mentioned it again. I know that he doesn’t want to break up at all, and I am not the kind of person who will take the initiative to break up, so I can only drag it on like this.
While I didn’t want to hurt him, I hurt Xiaoxiao. I thought I was doing the least amount of harm to him, but I didn’t know that this kind of harm was the heaviest to Xiaoxiao, because, in his eyes, I didn’t take him seriously at all.
I only considered that person’s feelings, and I never thought about how deeply Xiaoxiao was hurt.
Next, let me talk about Xiaoxiao and me.
On August 26, I saw his message on my QQ: Hello, I accidentally saw that you added my QQ.
You are my type.
I am very confident in myself. Can you contact me? My mobile number is: 152. . . .
Later I found out that he had sent emails to my QQ mailbox, but I never read them because they were all spam.
I replied: Haha, little baby.
I said before, I have a mean mouth and can say sweet words to anyone.
We gave a brief account of the situation.
Afterwards, Xiaoxiao gave me some photos. To be honest, I can only say that I didn’t have much feeling for him, because I like to look at the figure, and he was wearing casual clothes, so I couldn’t see his figure.
Just thought it was okay, so we kept in touch.
On August 31st, around 3 o’clock, Xiaoxiao said that he definitely wanted to see me today. He said he wanted to come, and I happened to be at home, so I asked him to come tomorrow, but he said he had to come today and would rather come and wait for me than wait until tomorrow.
I just went back.
Go wait for him.
As soon as I saw him, I wanted to hug his waist, but there were too many people on the street and it was inconvenient, so I held back.
I invited him to dinner. During the meal, Xiaoxiao didn’t eat at all. He stared at me with his eyes fixed, not moving at all.
I felt embarrassed by everyone’s look at me.
I just lowered my head to eat, and when I raised it, a pair of eyes were still staring at me. I remember that day, I blushed.
Because I’ve never been seen like this.
Although many netizens say that I am handsome, yes.
I admit that although I am a bit old now, I still think I am handsome when walking on the street.
After eating, I took Xiaoxiao home.
Seeing that Xiaoxiao didn’t eat anything, I bought him two buckets of instant noodles when we passed by.
I found out later that he said I looked super handsome when I took out money.
hehe.
In fact, I knew that when he kept staring at me, he must have fallen in love with me.
And, it is deep love.
When I first met him, I didn’t know how he felt, I just felt that there might be a miracle tonight.
But I haven’t fallen in love with him yet.
Because I’m not sure if he is the type I want.
When she got home, Xiaoxiao sat on the sofa in the living room, looking a little awkward.
I asked him to sit in the bedroom because that was where there was air conditioning and TV.
He sat on the bed.
I squatted in front of him, looked at him, and kissed him.
Xiaoxiao was a little nervous at first, but then she responded to my request. Gradually, I took off her shirt and saw her figure, which I really liked.
After that, we had sex.
And for the next two days, we stayed at home, lying in bed.
Sleep when you are tired, and make love when you wake up.
Gradually, I discovered.
I fell in love with Xiaoxiao.
I know that this relationship was unfair to Xiaoxiao from the beginning, because he loved me much more than I loved him.
I have nothing to give him in return because I have a lot of problems.
Some problems can never be solved.
On the third day, Xiaoxiao was leaving.
Back to work.
I sent him to the station, and since there was still some time before the train left, we went to KFC to sit down.
I asked him, can you treat me? In fact, I didn’t want him to treat me, but I wanted to test whether this person valued money and whether he was sincere to me.
Because when you truly love someone, you don’t care about anything.
Is willing to pay for the other party.
Xiaoxiao answered readily that she was willing, and asked me to order whatever I wanted.
Actually I’m not interested in KFC, I only eat corn on the cob.
Later, when it was the weekend, Xiaoxiao said she wanted to come, but Zhang Yang was there, so how could I let him come?
I said I would come to see you in a few days. Yes, I was sorry to Xiaoxiao from the very beginning.
I thought everything was too simple, thinking that everyone could be like me, not caring about these things, and that love was enough.
However, life is not just about love, there are many other things involved.
It’s much more complicated than we imagined.
Two days later, I went to Yiwu.
When I was preparing to purchase goods for business, Xiaoxiao asked for leave from work to accompany me. We were very happy during those days. The only downside was that I was sick for a few days and Xiaoxiao stayed up all night to take care of me, which made me feel that I owed Xiaoxiao more and more.
So, I really want to give him something, but I can’t give him anything yet.
During this period, Zhang Yang called me many times. In fact, I knew that even an ordinary person, let alone someone as smart as Xiaoxiao, would know from the frequent calls and the fact that I would stand five meters away when I answered the phone that this person was not an ordinary relationship. I still didn’t have the courage to tell him everything because I was afraid of losing Xiaoxiao.
I really fell in love with him and couldn’t help myself.
Later, one time, Xiaoxiao was video chatting with me, and Zhang Yang came suddenly, so I immediately closed the video. Xiaoxiao then called me, but I didn’t answer. Xiaoxiao kept calling, and I kept hanging up.
Xiaoxiao called my home phone.
Zhang Yang answered the phone, and Xiaoxiao broke down at this moment.
I remember that was the first time he got angry with me.
For the first time, he shouted at me directly on the phone.
I know this sudden hurt is deep, but I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know how to defend myself.
Perhaps, I should have done as Xiaoxiao accused me later and cleaned up my own ass before looking for the next one, instead of leaving any problems unsolved and involving innocent people.
This is extremely unfair to others.
When “Dwelling Narrowness” was popular, Xiaoxiao kept saying that Haizao was his prototype.
The only difference is that Song Siming gave Haizao a lot of money, but I couldn’t give her anything.
In fact, I probably knew very early on that I was not Koko’s type, but I liked him and I loved him deeply.
So, when he wanted to break up with me five years ago, I disagreed.
Now he still wants to break up with me, but I still don’t agree.
Because I love him.
Maybe this is unfair to others, I have gotten everything I deserve.
All his possessions, the keys to his house.
He treats me like his own wife and gives me everything.
He gave me his all, and that is something no one else can compare to.
Including Xiaoxiao.
I have always been reluctant to break up with him, but I just couldn’t accept it.
I can’t explain this to my friends.
Why has he never loved me after all these years?
When we were together, he gave me everything, but he never gave me his heart.
I knew, from the beginning, that I was not his type.
However, I still came to find him without hesitation, including giving up my job to be with him.
We have gotten along pretty well over the past few years.
We have been to Sanya, Beijing, Hong Kong… and many other places together. We have had many happy times, but he has always treated me like a brother rather than a lover.
I envy Xiaoxiao very much, he not only got him, but also got his love.
Perhaps, Keke once gave me love, but this love might be too short-lived, so that it disappeared before I could feel it…
Until Xiaoxiao appeared, I knew that he had looked for many people behind my back.
However, after my repeated attacks, those people were forced to retreat.
But I can’t do these things to Xiaoxiao.
Because I know that he and I are of the same kind, we deeply love the same man, and this alone should make us sympathize with each other, but we are rivals in love, and therefore, we become enemies.
Although he received Koko’s love, he still didn’t understand that Koko was an absolutely selfish person.
He will not let himself be hurt deeply in love, so he will not give all his love, because he knows how to protect himself.
So, when I saw Xiaoxiao loving so deeply and so much, I felt that he would one day repeat my mistakes.
It’s pitiful… sad… and it’s precisely because I love him that I will never break up.
So, I proposed that I would be the bigger one and Xiaoxiao would be the smaller one.
However, Xiaoxiao seemed to firmly disagree.
I feel like I’ve made enough concessions, and sometimes I think it’s really too much.
I am the owner of his house. Xiaoxiao is just a third party. Why do you feel so self-righteous?
In Xiaoxiao’s eyes, our relationship is very simple. When we are together, we can confuse everything. However, after cracks appear, we should just break up. There is no point in forcing ourselves to stay together.
Xiaoxiao once wrote this sentence in her QQ signature: Missing each other is always much better than torturing each other… However, for me, torturing him is the only thing I can grasp now, otherwise, I will really become his past.
But I don’t know it now, everything is destined.
What belongs to you will stay with you even if you don’t try your best to hold on to it.
When people change their hearts, there is nothing you can do.
In the end, he and I were just the most familiar strangers, and Xiaoxiao was the one he wanted to be with for the rest of his life.
